Tag Archives: singledom

Dear Navigator, Can I Write My Own Love Story?

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I secretly wish we were able to create the situations and circumstances surrounding when, where, and how we meet “the one.” I mean, after 30 years of being with myself, I have a pretty good idea of what I want and need in a significant other. Right? Probably not.

I think it’s safe to say that I’ve learned to identify the personalities that don’t mesh with mine. It’s true that some people just won’t ever get along, no matter how hard each party tries. Why? Because there are things about us that will never change.

With me, I know that I can only go so many days without working or doing something productive. My father recently reminded me of this during one of our conversations. Apparently, I had been complaining about how tired and inundated with work I was not too long ago. Now, with countries around the world combating the spread of coronavirus, my work has reduced significantly. As such, I have unexpectedly received much needed time to relax and recuperate.

Now, most people would probably welcome the break with arms wide open, right? Right! Not me. I mean, I spent the first 2-3 days in my home enjoying my own company and doing absolutely nothing. However, it’s now day six; I’m sick of not working.

When you love what you do…

What was the point of that tangent? Simply to say that, no matter how hard I try to change certain aspects of my character and personality, I know who I am and the things about myself that remain the same. With that, as much as I’d love to write my own love story, I really don’t have a firm handle on love and relationships to be able to do it well.

If things were left up to me, I would meet my future spouse while travelling abroad somewhere. I’d be carrying on with my schedule for that day, going from one client appointment to another. In a brief moment of providence, he’d see me walking briskly through the crowd and everything in his world would stop. By happenstance, he’d find out that we had some mutual acquaintances in the city and ask them to introduce us. When we met for the first time, I wouldn’t be particularly impressed and wouldn’t want to know him as anything more than a friend. After some time getting to know each other, he’d finally take the plunge and divulge his true feelings. (Naturally, by this time, I would’ve already developed feelings for him.) From that moment on, our relationship would shift to being more intentional to see if we are God’s best for each other.

Nothing but laughs

Alas, this is but a dream. Back to reality, I continue living my life. I don’t spend much time fanatisizing about this mystery man and how we’ll meet. No, thoughts of him only awaken in moments when I need to remind myself that he is out there somewhere waiting for me. Although I long to be a wife and mother, I don’t know if I’d want to write my love story. There’s beauty in the mystery of not knowing how things will unfold.

What if he and I have already met? What if we totally missed each other years ago because neither of us were ready? What if the next time we meet there’ll be fireworks, a string orchestra, and the works? I like not knowing because I’m not living for a particular moment or waiting for a specific sign.

Facts.

Fellow Navigator, there is great temptation in wanting to write your love story and know exactly when the love of your life is going to show up. Is this something you struggle with? Do you find yourself anxiously wanting to know when it’s going to happen? Tell me about it!

Ready or Not: Money Management Matters – Exercising Caution

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Debt. The four-letter word that seems to have many of us bound in a never-ending cycle of monthly payments and interest accumulation. You may find yourself in debt because you needed to pay for one (or multiple) college degrees or certification programs to obtain a more lucrative financial and career opportunity. Another possibility is that debt came crashing at your door when your car suddenly broke down, a loved one without health insurance unexpectedly fell ill, or credit cards became your best friends because overnight your expenses were more than the money you were bringing home.

Whatever the reason, fellow navigator, I’m sure you can relate to the overwhelming feeling of being in debt. While this is a situation a host of us may find ourselves in, we don’t have to stay in that place. There are a plethora of debt management programs and financial advising companies out there that can assist in sorting out money issues. Fellow navigator, wisdom says to exercise a great amount of caution before using one of these programs or services. When it comes to money management, a company or individual’s credibility and reputation should be vetted and held in the highest regard. If you have even a slight suspicion that the business or representative is not being completely forthright about products, services, or processes, you have every right to walk away.

Something’s not right here

It seems this is something we don’t talk about enough, so I’m going to bring it up here. There are a lot of scammers out there; people have no problem taking your money because you failed to do your due diligence. What does “due diligence” look like? It’s verifying the company or individual’s information through various means. No, due diligence is not just making sure the Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram pages are up and running. No, it is not only about going to the website and seeing how visually appealing it is. Due diligence involves reading customer reviews across multiple platforms. The business may have reviews on the company website, but you take it a step further to see if there are reviews or comments about services on their social media pages as well. Platforms like Google, Yelp, and the Better Business Bureau (BBB) also allow you to read what others have to say about their experience with a company.

After you’ve found the review pages, what should you do? Read what others have to say. If I see a company with mostly five stars, I almost always immediately bypass the high reviews to read the one and two-star ratings. Check to see if there’s a common theme regarding the justification for others giving such low reviews. If nearly every one or two-star rating has to do with the company’s employees providing poor customer service, that is something you should not take lightly. A financial advising company is run by people telling you how best to manage your money. If those individuals are unable to deliver good customer service, I’d think twice about allowing them anywhere near my money.

Taking my money anywhere but here

Due diligence also involves finding out about the company’s specific products, services, and processes, then comparing them to their competitors. I don’t think we do this enough. Maybe it requires more time than we’re willing to put in? Whatever the reason, we must do better in this area. Money management companies are vying for your business. Some offer better packages than others because they understand that they have to make themselves stand out in order to make you their customer. It is your right to tell one company that you want to shop around to see if you can find value elsewhere.

Now, finding value is not always about getting the lowest quote. (Remember, you get what you pay for.) If three out of four businesses charge roughly $1,000 for a service and you find one that only costs $400, don’t do it. That $600 discrepancy could be due to a lack of experience, expertise, or just flat-out incompetence. We don’t always have to learn the hard way (by having our hard-earned money stolen from us) that being able to research market value for a service or product is an asset. If you don’t have the funds to pay the going rate, it may be best to wait and minimize the chances of being cheated.

Too many times we, as women, are scammed and conned by people when it comes to money management matters because our ignorance gets the best of us. Ignorance is not about our intellectual level; it’s about information we don’t know. At the end of the day, information is the best commodity. The most effective way for us to become more financially savvy is by educating ourselves about these debt management companies before spending a dime.

Did you like the post? Is money management something you want to discuss further? Let’s keep the conversation going! What have you learned by practicing due diligence? Leave your comments below!

Dear Navigator, I’m Not Who He Really Wants

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It’s taken me quite some time to realize that Christian men are capable of putting up fronts and playing the game when it comes to relationships. Growing up in the church, we’ve all subconsciously mastered the lingo, dress, and behavioral patterns that can fool anyone. We know when to shout, how long to praise break, and what to say to sound uber spiritual. The problem, I think, is that we’ve gotten so good at these social cues that we’ve thrown sincerity and honesty out the window.

If this sounds like a harsh critique, it’s because it is. There’s a phenomenon happening with men in the church where they say they want a godly woman, yet they pursue everyone but the woman they claim to desire. Let’s be clear: I am speaking from my experience. These are statements made based on those I know and see. This may not apply to everyone. However, we cannot pretend that this doesn’t happen in the church; it does.

Here’s a classic example. A man who is extremely vocal about his faith (otherwise labeled “sold out” or “on fire for God”) makes it widely known that he desires a woman who is a prayer warrior, saved, sanctified, and filled with the Holy Ghost. This woman needs to love God more than she loves herself and be willing to enter the ministry because that is where he’s headed. Does he sound familiar? Do you know this kind of man? Read on.

Preach, pastor-in-training

One day, you notice this man’s demeanor has changed. He’s not as vocal about the qualities he seeks in a wife, and he’s most definitely not singing the same tune about wanting an ultra-virtuous woman. Instead, his thinking comes across as being more liberal. He has become open to the idea of being with someone who is seemingly striving to be a good, God-fearing woman. Suddenly, it’s okay if she has flaws and imperfections because only Jesus is perfect.

After some time of setting the stage, this same man begins bringing around a “friend” and introducing her to people in the church. He speaks of her desire to know God more and how she’s really digging deep into her Word. You’re no fool; you know what it is. This woman being presented to you is the one this man desires. He switched up because he sought the freedom to pursue her without judgment because she is not the kind of woman he preached about wanting for so long.

The man from this elaborate example doesn’t exist. He does, but he’s not one particular man. The bigger message is that good men in the church are becoming few and far in between. As a result, just like in the world, men in the church have the ability to say and do almost anything they want when it comes to relationships. They can preach about wanting Rachel, Mary, or Esther. When it comes down to it, though, they switch up and pursue Bathsheba, Jezebel, or Delilah.

Jennifer, Lisa, Anna, Maricel, Marissa, etc.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with a man pursuing a woman because he finds her attractive. In fact, physical attraction is one of the fundamental basics of any relationship. There is a problem with men going on and on about how they want meek, humble, and godly women when they turn around and date individuals who are the complete opposite.

He wants to have his cake and eat it.

I’m not a hater. We (the church) need to openly call Christian men out on their hypocrisy. As a Christian woman, if I began dating a “good” man who wasn’t in the church, people would have something to say about me left and right. But if a man chooses to date a woman who wasn’t active in the church community, those same people are silent.

Here’s my message to men in the church. Men, if you prefer a certain type of woman who is not me, that is okay. However, keep the touting about your so-called “wholesome, God-fearing woman” to a minimum because I’m not really who you want.

What do you think, Navigator? I am overthinking? Share your thoughts in the comments!

Ready or Not: Cooking

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“Your single years should be the time when you prepare yourself for marriage.” Fellow Navigator, have you heard something like this before? I call rubbish. My single years should be the time I prepare myself for life. It’s as if being a wife is solely about doing domestic work; it’s not.

While I disagree with the notion that my time right now must be devoted to learning how to cook, clean, and fold fitted sheets, I believe that adulting requires basic knowledge of these things. Let’s take cooking, for example. As an African woman, I didn’t really learn how to cook my traditional food until undergrad; it was embarrassing. There was a guy who basically told me I was his perfect woman, except I had the fatal flaw of not knowing how to cook cassava leaves, potato leaves, peanut butter stew, and the full gamut of Sierra Leonean dishes. At the time, I used his rubbish statement as fuel for my fire and became determined to learn how to cook my country’s cuisine.

In hindsight, I think back and laugh (that’s what I should’ve done in his face). Seriously, cooking is something just about anyone can learn. Unless you’re planning on competing for a Michelin star or becoming a top chef, learning the basics of boiling, frying, and sautéing is not that difficult. This man acted as if I couldn’t spend some time in the kitchen with my mother or numerous aunties to learn the art of cooking from them.

Good to the last scoop

If a man ever has the audacity to tell you to your face that you’re not wife material because you can’t cook, you politely remind him that cooking is a learned skill. Instead of complaining, he could gift you a few lessons to ignite a passion for it. Better yet, he could accompany you to those classes and you both could have a fun date night.

What happened to the guy from undergrad? Well, I ended up cooking a Sierra Leonean dish for him one day, and he loved it. It’s too bad I was over him by that point (I only did it to prove I was capable).

Like I said, cooking is something anyone can do; cooking well is a skill that is acquired after serious practice. Let’s be real: eating out all the time is expensive, unhealthy, and inconvenient at times. I mean, even if I order in, I have to pay for delivery, tip the delivery person, know what I want ahead of time so it’s at my door before I get home, or wait in line at the restaurant for other people to figure out their lives and what to order. I can’t. Over the years, however, I’ve learned some very basic dishes that are quick, easy, and won’t break the bank.

Noodles, veggies, oil, and you’re good to go

Here are three of my go-to non-African dishes:

  • Garlic in oil
  • Meat and stew
  • Quesadilla

For the Navigators who are amateur or professional chefs, what are some quick, relatively easy recipes you can share with our community?