Tag Archives: single woman

Ready or Not: Protecting My Mind by Practicing Self-Care

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“When you practice self-care, you allow your mind, body, and soul to reset.”

“Self-care” is a term that’s become quite popular over the last several years to describe the process of allowing oneself to detach from life’s stressors and embrace relaxing activities. In many cases, when I hear what other women do to practice self-care, it typically includes spa days, trips to the mall for retail therapy, spending time outside of the kitchen, and a slew of other events. The idea is to pamper oneself in a way that doesn’t necessarily happen on a regular basis. When you practice self-care, you allow your mind, body, and soul to reset.

I’ve been terrible at practicing this whole self-care thing either because I didn’t have the funds to treat myself or time just wasn’t on my side. Let’s be real: exercising self-care can be expensive. It doesn’t have to be, true. However, if I’m really going to allow myself to indulge, I’d need at least a $100 each time to do anything worthwhile. Especially in these days of coronavirus, I have no desire to shell out that kind of money on a massage, facial, or new outfit just for the sake of it.

Next, self-care requires my time. If I’m going to properly allow myself an escape from the everyday stressors of life, I need at least 4-5 hours to do it right. Who has that kind of time these days? Not me. Going 30 minutes without having to check my phone for a new email, text, or message on social media is challenging as is.

Because no one can run on a full tank 24/7, there must be other ways to practice self-care without breaking the bank. Right? Yes!

I view self-care in regards to the physical and the mental. About a month or so ago, a friend asked for my address under the guise of wanting to update the contact information she had for me. Because this was an odd request, I suspected she was planning on mailing me a card or something. This woman sent me an assorted pack of face masks with a note attached that I should take care of myself. At the time, I needed a reminder to relax and break away from work every once in a while because coronavirus had impacted my business significantly.

You’ll be happy to know that I did heed her words and treated myself to mini-facials. They have been amazing! My skin looks clearer and feels great. I’ve found that I enjoy at-home facials because I can do them on my own schedule and don’t need several hours at a time. I just lie down on my sofa or bed and let them time fade away. My mind isn’t cluttered with thoughts of work, relationships, or responsibilities. For those 30 minutes, it’s just me, myself, and I.

“I view self-care in regards to the physical and the mental.”

The other type of self-care that has really made an impact in my life involves paying more attention to my mental peace. Recently, I stopped working with a client due to a string of conflicts that had arisen. What stood out to me, as I drafted the service termination email, was my reasoning for this decision. I wrote something along the lines of no longer wishing to continue the relationship because it disturbed my mental peace. Wow! Talk about growth. I don’t think I would have cited that as a reason for walking away from a business partnership a few years ago.

Since my last romantic relationship, I’ve spent a healthy amount of time paying careful attention to my mental health. While I am usually quite happy and bubbly, I have had my bouts with moments of feeling like I’m less than. After further introspection, I saw that those times almost always happened because I allowed someone deeper access to me than they should have been trusted with or granted. That’s what happens in relationships, though. People sometimes push the limits of the boundaries we’ve put in place to see how far they can get.

“I saw that those times almost always happened because I allowed someone deeper access to me than they should have been trusted with or granted.”

You may have heard it said before, but I ask that you allow me to say it again: guard your mind. Not every toxic relationship presents itself as such in the beginning. However, when you begin to lose who you are because of someone, it might be best to reconsider the role that person plays in your life. I can honestly say that I have not given the individual I referenced earlier a second thought since sending that service termination email. I no longer clinch my jaw when their name pops up on my phone out of fear of what the text or call is about. If I’m spending so much negative mental energy on someone, I think it’s safe to say that I need to reorganize my priorities.

Fellow navigator, self-care is not just about pampering what’s on the outside. It’s also about ensuring that our minds and spirits are in a good place. As someone who is known (good or bad) for being busy and a workaholic (by some), I’ve come to recognize that I must ensure I have peace in all aspects of my life. No, I may not be able to afford a spa day once or twice a month. But I can spend a few hours with myself to look at my life and see where there’s room for positive, meaningful improvement. I can take stock of potentially toxic relationships, or ones that produce more stress than peace, to assess if there’s hope for positive growth or not.

Joyce Meyer wrote Battlefield of the Mind years ago, but I believe there’s a reason why she had an entire book devoted to this subject. The Bible talks about us guarding our hearts (Proverbs 4:23) and later says that God’s peace will guard our hearts and minds (Philippians 4:7). These two actions must be important, right? Fellow navigator, what do you do to practice self-care? How are you maintaining your mental peace? Tell me about it!

Ready or Not: Access Granted Through Languages

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“Because of French, I have received prizes and honors.”

When I was younger, I was obsessed with the cartoon, Madeline. Even now, as an adult, it’s one of the few children’s programs I can sit down and watch to my heart’s content. I love the show so much that I still have some books about the title character and her adventures. Honestly, I don’t know why I loved Madeline. Growing up, I was what many would consider a “tomboy,” so maybe I felt I could relate to Madeline because she didn’t always do what was expected of her as a “girl.” Regardless of the draw to this program, Madeline exposed me to French life and culture. I believe that this is where my love for the language began.

In middle school, I began taking French classes. My teacher of two years was a soft-spoken woman who clearly loved sharing her language and culture with her students. Don’t get me wrong—she was strict. However, I learned enough in her class that I continued my studies well into my undergraduate years. Because of French, I have received prizes and honors. I was able to study at a prestigious language school with some of the best professors in the world. Also, I have received opportunities to utilize my language skills for financial and professional gain.

Arguably the greatest thing learning French has done for me, as a single woman, is allowed me to learn about other aspects of my personality. When I begin speaking and switch to my francophone alter ego, I experience a freedom that isn’t easy to explain. It’s almost as if I embody French culture the minute I open my mouth. The woman who has grown up in the West disappears and another with a different outlook on life replaces her. If you’re a language enthusiast, I’m sure you can relate. In any case, I see myself taking risks and doing things with my francophone friends that I would never do with my English-speaking ones.

“The woman who has grown up in the West disappears and another with a different outlook on life replaces her.”

Now, as I embark on improving my Spanish, I see another personality taking form. She’s sensuous, chatty, and eager to please. She’s not the first to initiate conversations, but she tries to hold her own. I started studying Spanish years ago in undergrad because I entertained ideas of becoming a UN translator or diplomat. Those dreams faded as my passion for teaching grew; however, I never lost my love for languages.

Brushing up on my Spanish was triggered by a string of conversations with friends over the last two years or so because of all that’s happening with globalization. On a practical level, having multiple popular languages under my belt makes me more marketable. When I go to sit at the table with other major players (primarily men), I don’t have to rely on someone to speak on my behalf. Also, I am a firm believer that I will gain more respect from those I come into contact with if I speak to them in their language. Not everyone shares this viewpoint, but it’s one that I’ve always held near. There are a few other personal reasons for me wanting to master Spanish, but I’ll save those for another time or post.

“When I go to sit at the table with other major players (primarily men), I don’t have to rely on someone to speak on my behalf.”

Fellow navigator, if you can, I encourage you to learn another language. Yes, this is America and just about everyone speaks English. But there is an entire world out there with people of every race, ethnic group, and tongue who have incredible stories, jokes, and thoughts to share. If we only limit our conversations to English speakers, we miss out on the richness and beauty our brothers and sisters have to offer. Now, you don’t have to be like me and aim to master seven languages. But I think that shooting to acquire a second language will grant you access to a life you never knew existed. Who knows? Maybe your Spanish alter ego is sassy, free-spirited, and holds nothing back. Perhaps your French persona is refined, soft-spoken, and reserved.

It’s 2020 and globalization isn’t going away anytime soon. It’s probably best that we embrace those who are different and find a way to get along with each other. Maybe, in this process, we’ll find a beauty in their language that sets us on a journey of our own self-discovery.

Fellow navigator, since many of us are still living under quarantine, have you considered learning a new language? Which language have you always wanted to study? What’s holding you back? Tell me about it!

Ready or Not: Ms. Fix-it

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“I’d be lying if I said I didn’t get frustrated each time some unexpected project came up that needed to be addressed.”

As a single woman who has lived on her own for years, it’s safe to say that I’ve spent a good amount of money paying professionals to fix things around the house. When I lived in an apartment, it was fairly easy to pick up the phone to call the leasing office or submit a maintenance request. However, when I lived in my condo, I became responsible for all upkeep. This was one of the biggest reality checks of my life.

I’d be lying if I said I didn’t get frustrated each time some unexpected project came up that needed to be addressed. When the bulb in my closet stopped working, I thought it would be a simple fix. Wrong. After buying a new bulb, I learned that the entire light fixture needed to be replaced. With the help of my father and YouTube videos, I was able to turn off the power source to my master closet and replace the fixture without getting electrocuted.

“Using our combined brainpower, we figured out how to replace the lights and all was well in my home again.”

After that, the track lights in my kitchen gave out. They weren’t as easy to fix because the electrical panel wasn’t clearly labeled to indicate the power source. As a result, I had to play guess-and-check to determine which power source needed to be cut off. After consulting a professional electrician, I learned that there are instruments at home improvement stores that take the guesswork out of the whole ordeal, but I wasn’t really trying to spend money to purchase the apparatus. Once again, I called my father for help. Using our combined brainpower, we figured out how to replace the lights and all was well in my home again.

By far the biggest job that had to be done in my condo was fixing the toilet in my master bathroom. There was no way I could’ve done this job by myself, and my father was not skilled in this area at all. In fact, he was the one who encouraged me to call in the pros. While I could’ve used the second bathroom, it simply was an inconvenience I didn’t want to deal with. I dilly-dallied before finally shopping around for quotes because I really didn’t want to spend the hundreds of dollars I knew they were going to charge me. Plus, my condo was located in a more affluent community than my previous residences, so I suspected the price would soar simply because of my zip code.

Well, thank the Lord God in heaven for friends. After mentioning my issues to a friend, she volunteered her father services to help me out. To say that I was relieved would be an understatement; I was elated. And how much did it cost? Like $50 (or less). Her father was gracious and only required that I pay for the replacement parts. One Sunday after church, they came over for a few hours and resolved my bathroom issues. I couldn’t have been happier. When I asked her father how he learned to perform such a task, he told me he had grown frustrated shelling out money to have professionals come to his home to perform similar jobs. Being proactive, he watched them diligently and learned how to do his own household repairs. Fellow navigator, after my friend’s father completed the job, I never had issues with the toilet again. Score!

What’s the moral of the post? As a single woman, I came to the realization years ago that, despite what the world and TV shows tell us, life skills are not gender specific. Learning how to reconcile a bank account, do taxes, change a flat tire, switch out a dead light fixture, or replace a faulty toilet valve is not something only men can do. When you’re in a situation and don’t have the money (or want to pay the money) to fix something around the house, you have to decide if you’re willing to try to learn something new. Just so we’re clear, I would never voluntarily replace a bad carburetor or rewire a major light fixture. However, I’ve determined that I will do my best to learn how to do things around the house for my own personal edification; I will not wait around for a man to show up in my life and leave everything to him.

What about you, fellow navigator? If you live alone, what are some things around the house you’ve learned to do? Have you ever had to pay for a repair that you knew, if given training, you could’ve done on your own? Tell me about it!

Ready or Not: Can You Pay My Bills?

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“The lack of education can keep those from marginalized communities in perpetual cycles of debt.”

You don’t need to be single to learn basic life skills every adult should know. However, being single means juggling responsibilities that married folks tend to split between each other. How often do you feel like you’re responsible for remembering to do everything? Wouldn’t it be nice to have some help?

I ask myself these questions all the time as I learn to navigate the world of adulting solo. Thankfully, my father was always just a phone call away. If I ever needed guidance about something, he is my go-to person.

Nevertheless, there are definitely aspects of growing up that are not one-size-fits-all. Let’s take paying bills. Financial literacy is not often taught in schools. The lack of education can keep those from marginalized communities in perpetual cycles of debt. While I am not a financial coach, I would like to offer some tips I’ve learned for myself and from the varying journeys of those in my community. Although the names have been changed to protect their privacy, the stories remain the same. There are several approaches you can take, depending on your personality and lifestyle preference.

Managing my money!

“To help bring order to her life, Rosalind contacted her various service providers to sign up for automatic bill pay.”

Rosalind knows she is not the most organized person on the planet. She sets reminders for her reminders so that she doesn’t forget to do things. After being assessed late fee after late fee for missed utility bill and car note payments, she finally decided to do something about her obvious challenges. The problem wasn’t that Rosalind didn’t have enough money in the bank to pay for these services—no, she was just terrible at remembering the due dates for her monthly financial obligations. To help bring order to her life, Rosalind contacted her various service providers to sign up for automatic bill pay. Rosalind gave her banking information and authorization to the different companies so that they could debit her charges without her ever having to worry about another missed payment. After a few months of being on automatic bill pay, Rosalind noticed that the collection calls stopped, she no longer received late fees, and her credit score began to rise. It was as simple as that.

Making it rain!

Alyssa is crushing the adulting game. She knows what she wants, how to get it, and never let’s anyone stop her from pursuing her dreams. She prides herself on being punctual, organized, and competent. When it comes to paying her bills, she has a system that has yet to fail her. On the 15th and 27th of each month, Alyssa sits down to pay her bills. On the 15th, she pays the expenses due before the end of the month, like her car insurance. Then, on the 27th, she pays her bills for the upcoming month, like her rent. Alyssa never wants to be caught off guard by a surprise bill, so she does this to minimize that possibility. Her payment schedule also allows her to establish a reputation with her creditors. If ever on the off chance she misses a bill, she knows they will be more gracious because they can see how methodical her payment history has been. That way, they would offer to waive any penalties or fees without her even asking.

Nice, organized manner

I would say my bill pay method borrows bits and pieces from Rosalind and Alyssa. Like Rosalind, I use automatic bill pay for some monthly expenses. To maximize on certain savings discounts, I set my student loan repayment as automatic withdrawals through one financial institution. I also have my car insurance and sponsored child payment automatically withdrawn because those costs are fixed and always available in the account they are linked to. Much like Alyssa, I take time to list all my expenses for the month and cross them off as they are paid. I’m not comfortable having larger transactions, like my car payment, automatically debited from my bank account. I would rather go into the payment portals and manually make those payments myself.

What about you? Do you find that you prefer paying your bills yourself? Or are you the type of person who prefers to have an app or program that pays your bills for you through automatic withdrawals? If you belong to the former group, what is your system? If you’re part of the latter group, what apps can you recommend? Share your wisdom with our community!