Tag Archives: men

Dear Navigator, This is the Kind of Love I Want

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I’m not seeking perfection, but…

Once upon a time, I wanted it all. I sought success, wealth, notoriety, and all things luxurious. My idea of love was being with a man who could take care of me financially and pamper me with the finer things in life. We’d drive luxury cars that would make people stop and stare. Our primary home would be like something only found in magazines. I decided our happiness would be based on how many things we possessed, including vacation homes around the world.

It took a chance meeting with someone to open my eyes to see what love really looked like. Although our relationship never evolved into anything romantic, he showed me that there was more to life than a six or seven-figure salary. Simple acts of care and consideration took the spotlight as he made sure my basic needs were met. When I was cold, he offered his sweater. When I was hungry, he fed me. When I was tired, he let me sleep in his bed. Value was placed on the mental stimulation he offered me, as well as the time and attention he gave me.

Our friendship eventually came to an end due to distance and choice of differing paths. Nevertheless, from that single friendship, I embarked on a journey to find out the kind of love I wanted.

I want the kind of love that makes me feel safe to express myself openly and honestly. A love where I’m comfortable asking questions, regardless of how ridiculous, stupid, or embarrassing they may be.

I want the kind of love that listens to me attentively. A love where, despite how nonsensical the topic may be, I can speak and feel heard.

I want the kind of love that tells me I’m beautiful even when I’m at my worst. A love where I’m made to feel desirable on days when I want to hide my hair under a hat and wear baggy clothes to mask the bloating.

I want the kind of love that fights for us when I don’t have the strength to continue. A love where we can come together after an argument and calmly discuss our viewpoints, without casting blame or pointing fingers.

I want the kind of love that sees me for me. A love that doesn’t compare me to former lovers or make me feel inferior for not measuring up to another.

I want the kind of love that honors God. A love where we grow together in a relationship that pleases Him.

Value was placed on the mental stimulation he offered me, as well as the time and attention he gave me.

It’s crazy to think about this sometimes. The friend previously mentioned was the catalyst to bringing about all of these realizations. My journey has been filled with loves that never offered me everything I desired, but each one taught me something valuable about myself and my heart. One taught me to never downplay my intelligence. Another showed me that a relationship cannot last when critical information is withheld from the other. Still another taught me that the lack of mental stimulation will lead to resentment and unhappiness.

Now, my list is not exhaustive. I’ve left room for many other things to be added. But, when I think about what I really desire from someone in order to feel cared for, I recognize that it’s less about money and material possessions. The things of this world will eventually fade away. People can get to the point where they’ve amassed so much wealth that they no longer know what to do with themselves.

Fellow navigator, learning about our specific needs in a romantic relationship might take kissing a few frogs to discover what we don’t deserve. It could also mean spending extensive periods of time in deep introspection. If you had to pen the kind of love you want, what would be on your list? Tell me about it!

Mental Musings: Discovering Him While Discovering Me

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Just about everything I thought I knew has been shaken.

Looking past the exterior to see him.

It happened again. I allowed my emotions to get the best of me. Although I’d promised myself that I would be more understanding, patient, and objective this time around, I failed. My expectations were set extremely high, so it was easy for him to disappoint.

These thoughts raced through my mind as I replayed all that’s taken place between him and me. Although this is an all-too familiar scenario, I pride myself on the fact that I’ve become faster at recognizing the signs and taking steps to rectify the situation.

In the past, I didn’t pay too much attention to him and his feelings. Selfishly, I was more concerned about my own feelings and all the areas where he fell short. Now, at 30+, I’ve matured and fully recognize that he is not the tough Adonis fairy tales make him out to be. No, he is tender and fragile. He is insecure and feels the pressure when he cannot provide for himself or those he loves. He questions whether he truly makes me happy. He fears losing me.

There are many other attributes I can add to the list, but I think the point is crystal clear. Men are not emotionless creatures. Although they aren’t as expressive as many of us women are, they have feelings, too. They withdraw when we yell and bicker. They retreat when we question their manhood. They cower when we express our doubts about their abilities to succeed.

If I’m honest, I probably didn’t start allowing myself to see these things about men until I was across the country living and working without friends or family nearby. At the time, the relationship seemed like it was good. However, things quickly took a turn as his true colors began to show. Fellow navigator, abuse comes in many forms. I knew it was unhealthy when the light that shined so brightly within me reduced to a tiny flickering flame ready to go out. I thank God for His unfailing love and the prayer warriors He placed in my path until that time. What seemed like the end of me miraculously transformed into a world of possibilities. I thought I’d reached the end of my rope, but God had other plans.

Selfishly, I was more concerned about my own feelings and all the areas where he fell short.

— Ethleen Sawyerr

Why did I go on that seemingly random tangent? It’s to simply show that I found myself in a place where I could honestly say that I questioned men and their intentions. As a result, I guarded my heart tightly and vowed to keep potential suitors at a distance for years. That is, until one man entered the picture. He was kind, charming, and genuinely interested in knowing me. We spoke for hours about everything under the sun, yet it seemed like there was always something more to learn.

We had a special bond that I cherished dearly, but we were only friends. In fact, neither of us dared to approach the topic of asking whether we could be more. That was fine by me because a genuine friendship was about all I could handle in the beginning. However, in the midst of learning more about each other, feelings began to develop. Miscommunication happened often as we navigated our friendship, but we always seemed to get right back on track.

The situation referenced when the post began surrounded our biggest argument. This was the one where things could have ended for good. Ordinarily, I wouldn’t care so much about what went down with any man because the walls around my heart would just go back up. But, for some strange reason, this time was different. I was different.

There was something about him that made me want to fight. I couldn’t figure it out, and I couldn’t let him go. He was not the wealthiest, funniest, or most intelligent man I had ever encountered in life. But, regardless of these things, he genuinely cared about my well-being, was hardworking, and made time for me. There was just one thing: he was not mine. Well, he was just a friend.

Friends. That’s what we agreed we were. Of course, the depth of the relationship went beyond the surface. We’d gotten past talking about our favorite meals, hobbies, and future goals. This was new territory because the feelings were strong, but I was initially unwilling to take the risk and deep dive into a relationship.

Fellow navigator, have you ever been in this type of situation? Think back to the moment you realized you actually could spend forever with that one man. What brought you to that point? Did you allow past hurts to keep you from new possibilities? Tell me about it!

Dear Navigator, Can I Write My Own Love Story?

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I secretly wish we were able to create the situations and circumstances surrounding when, where, and how we meet “the one.” I mean, after 30 years of being with myself, I have a pretty good idea of what I want and need in a significant other. Right? Probably not.

I think it’s safe to say that I’ve learned to identify the personalities that don’t mesh with mine. It’s true that some people just won’t ever get along, no matter how hard each party tries. Why? Because there are things about us that will never change.

With me, I know that I can only go so many days without working or doing something productive. My father recently reminded me of this during one of our conversations. Apparently, I had been complaining about how tired and inundated with work I was not too long ago. Now, with countries around the world combating the spread of coronavirus, my work has reduced significantly. As such, I have unexpectedly received much needed time to relax and recuperate.

Now, most people would probably welcome the break with arms wide open, right? Right! Not me. I mean, I spent the first 2-3 days in my home enjoying my own company and doing absolutely nothing. However, it’s now day six; I’m sick of not working.

When you love what you do…

What was the point of that tangent? Simply to say that, no matter how hard I try to change certain aspects of my character and personality, I know who I am and the things about myself that remain the same. With that, as much as I’d love to write my own love story, I really don’t have a firm handle on love and relationships to be able to do it well.

If things were left up to me, I would meet my future spouse while travelling abroad somewhere. I’d be carrying on with my schedule for that day, going from one client appointment to another. In a brief moment of providence, he’d see me walking briskly through the crowd and everything in his world would stop. By happenstance, he’d find out that we had some mutual acquaintances in the city and ask them to introduce us. When we met for the first time, I wouldn’t be particularly impressed and wouldn’t want to know him as anything more than a friend. After some time getting to know each other, he’d finally take the plunge and divulge his true feelings. (Naturally, by this time, I would’ve already developed feelings for him.) From that moment on, our relationship would shift to being more intentional to see if we are God’s best for each other.

Nothing but laughs

Alas, this is but a dream. Back to reality, I continue living my life. I don’t spend much time fanatisizing about this mystery man and how we’ll meet. No, thoughts of him only awaken in moments when I need to remind myself that he is out there somewhere waiting for me. Although I long to be a wife and mother, I don’t know if I’d want to write my love story. There’s beauty in the mystery of not knowing how things will unfold.

What if he and I have already met? What if we totally missed each other years ago because neither of us were ready? What if the next time we meet there’ll be fireworks, a string orchestra, and the works? I like not knowing because I’m not living for a particular moment or waiting for a specific sign.

Facts.

Fellow Navigator, there is great temptation in wanting to write your love story and know exactly when the love of your life is going to show up. Is this something you struggle with? Do you find yourself anxiously wanting to know when it’s going to happen? Tell me about it!

Dear Navigator, I’m Not Who He Really Wants

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It’s taken me quite some time to realize that Christian men are capable of putting up fronts and playing the game when it comes to relationships. Growing up in the church, we’ve all subconsciously mastered the lingo, dress, and behavioral patterns that can fool anyone. We know when to shout, how long to praise break, and what to say to sound uber spiritual. The problem, I think, is that we’ve gotten so good at these social cues that we’ve thrown sincerity and honesty out the window.

If this sounds like a harsh critique, it’s because it is. There’s a phenomenon happening with men in the church where they say they want a godly woman, yet they pursue everyone but the woman they claim to desire. Let’s be clear: I am speaking from my experience. These are statements made based on those I know and see. This may not apply to everyone. However, we cannot pretend that this doesn’t happen in the church; it does.

Here’s a classic example. A man who is extremely vocal about his faith (otherwise labeled “sold out” or “on fire for God”) makes it widely known that he desires a woman who is a prayer warrior, saved, sanctified, and filled with the Holy Ghost. This woman needs to love God more than she loves herself and be willing to enter the ministry because that is where he’s headed. Does he sound familiar? Do you know this kind of man? Read on.

Preach, pastor-in-training

One day, you notice this man’s demeanor has changed. He’s not as vocal about the qualities he seeks in a wife, and he’s most definitely not singing the same tune about wanting an ultra-virtuous woman. Instead, his thinking comes across as being more liberal. He has become open to the idea of being with someone who is seemingly striving to be a good, God-fearing woman. Suddenly, it’s okay if she has flaws and imperfections because only Jesus is perfect.

After some time of setting the stage, this same man begins bringing around a “friend” and introducing her to people in the church. He speaks of her desire to know God more and how she’s really digging deep into her Word. You’re no fool; you know what it is. This woman being presented to you is the one this man desires. He switched up because he sought the freedom to pursue her without judgment because she is not the kind of woman he preached about wanting for so long.

The man from this elaborate example doesn’t exist. He does, but he’s not one particular man. The bigger message is that good men in the church are becoming few and far in between. As a result, just like in the world, men in the church have the ability to say and do almost anything they want when it comes to relationships. They can preach about wanting Rachel, Mary, or Esther. When it comes down to it, though, they switch up and pursue Bathsheba, Jezebel, or Delilah.

Jennifer, Lisa, Anna, Maricel, Marissa, etc.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with a man pursuing a woman because he finds her attractive. In fact, physical attraction is one of the fundamental basics of any relationship. There is a problem with men going on and on about how they want meek, humble, and godly women when they turn around and date individuals who are the complete opposite.

He wants to have his cake and eat it.

I’m not a hater. We (the church) need to openly call Christian men out on their hypocrisy. As a Christian woman, if I began dating a “good” man who wasn’t in the church, people would have something to say about me left and right. But if a man chooses to date a woman who wasn’t active in the church community, those same people are silent.

Here’s my message to men in the church. Men, if you prefer a certain type of woman who is not me, that is okay. However, keep the touting about your so-called “wholesome, God-fearing woman” to a minimum because I’m not really who you want.

What do you think, Navigator? I am overthinking? Share your thoughts in the comments!