Mental Musings: Discovering Him While Discovering Me

Just about everything I thought I knew has been shaken.

Looking past the exterior to see him.

It happened again. I allowed my emotions to get the best of me. Although I’d promised myself that I would be more understanding, patient, and objective this time around, I failed. My expectations were set extremely high, so it was easy for him to disappoint.

These thoughts raced through my mind as I replayed all that’s taken place between him and me. Although this is an all-too familiar scenario, I pride myself on the fact that I’ve become faster at recognizing the signs and taking steps to rectify the situation.

In the past, I didn’t pay too much attention to him and his feelings. Selfishly, I was more concerned about my own feelings and all the areas where he fell short. Now, at 30+, I’ve matured and fully recognize that he is not the tough Adonis fairy tales make him out to be. No, he is tender and fragile. He is insecure and feels the pressure when he cannot provide for himself or those he loves. He questions whether he truly makes me happy. He fears losing me.

There are many other attributes I can add to the list, but I think the point is crystal clear. Men are not emotionless creatures. Although they aren’t as expressive as many of us women are, they have feelings, too. They withdraw when we yell and bicker. They retreat when we question their manhood. They cower when we express our doubts about their abilities to succeed.

If I’m honest, I probably didn’t start allowing myself to see these things about men until I was across the country living and working without friends or family nearby. At the time, the relationship seemed like it was good. However, things quickly took a turn as his true colors began to show. Fellow navigator, abuse comes in many forms. I knew it was unhealthy when the light that shined so brightly within me reduced to a tiny flickering flame ready to go out. I thank God for His unfailing love and the prayer warriors He placed in my path until that time. What seemed like the end of me miraculously transformed into a world of possibilities. I thought I’d reached the end of my rope, but God had other plans.

Selfishly, I was more concerned about my own feelings and all the areas where he fell short.

— Ethleen Sawyerr

Why did I go on that seemingly random tangent? It’s to simply show that I found myself in a place where I could honestly say that I questioned men and their intentions. As a result, I guarded my heart tightly and vowed to keep potential suitors at a distance for years. That is, until one man entered the picture. He was kind, charming, and genuinely interested in knowing me. We spoke for hours about everything under the sun, yet it seemed like there was always something more to learn.

We had a special bond that I cherished dearly, but we were only friends. In fact, neither of us dared to approach the topic of asking whether we could be more. That was fine by me because a genuine friendship was about all I could handle in the beginning. However, in the midst of learning more about each other, feelings began to develop. Miscommunication happened often as we navigated our friendship, but we always seemed to get right back on track.

The situation referenced when the post began surrounded our biggest argument. This was the one where things could have ended for good. Ordinarily, I wouldn’t care so much about what went down with any man because the walls around my heart would just go back up. But, for some strange reason, this time was different. I was different.

There was something about him that made me want to fight. I couldn’t figure it out, and I couldn’t let him go. He was not the wealthiest, funniest, or most intelligent man I had ever encountered in life. But, regardless of these things, he genuinely cared about my well-being, was hardworking, and made time for me. There was just one thing: he was not mine. Well, he was just a friend.

Friends. That’s what we agreed we were. Of course, the depth of the relationship went beyond the surface. We’d gotten past talking about our favorite meals, hobbies, and future goals. This was new territory because the feelings were strong, but I was initially unwilling to take the risk and deep dive into a relationship.

Fellow navigator, have you ever been in this type of situation? Think back to the moment you realized you actually could spend forever with that one man. What brought you to that point? Did you allow past hurts to keep you from new possibilities? Tell me about it!

See Me: Pushing Past Pain Toward Purpose

A Life Lived to Uplift the Culture

This past weekend, what was meant to be a momentous occasion filled with celebration was marked by sadness and tears as news spread of Chadwick Boseman’s passing. Though I didn’t personally know the man or have anything in common with him, except the fact that we both attended Howard University (HU!), I wept like he was a brother from another mother. As the tears streamed down my face, thoughts of the impact of this man’s life raced through my mind. While I cannot speak to his character outside of what was captured on film or through the lens of a camera, I mourned the passing of a life that lived out a definite purpose.

Hearing that he had endured years of chemotherapy and pain to deliver films and content that effectively changed Black culture made matters more tragic. It wasn’t because he had kept his illness a secret. No, that was a personal decision that I believe may have been the best for him. Rather, it was because this man pushed past the pain and suffering he endured regularly because he believed the stories of the individuals he portrayed were worth telling. Not only were the characters he played on the screen iconic, but he also brought new life to them that I don’t believe any other actor could have done so exquisitely. He wasn’t just reading lines from a script as Jackie Robinson. I believe he fully immersed himself into the character to give us, the audience, an inside look into what it was really like for the famous baseball player.

As a Howard alum, I know he was more than informed about the historical significance of the characters he played. Let’s be honest: hardly anyone graduates from Howard without knowing more than their fair share about colonialism, white privilege, systemic racism, and the Black Panthers. Yes, it may be a generalization. But it’s one that seems to be proven true every time I speak with non-HBCU graduates about these topics.

Looking at all the films he acted in, I believe Chadwick Boseman was intentional about the roles he selected. Yes, he may have sought to challenge himself for the sake of his art, but it seems apparent that he had something else in mind: purpose. To me, he chose roles that would impact a generation. From Get on Up to Marshall to Da 5 Bloods, Boseman joined fellow actors and actresses to tell stories in a fresh way to a generation that may have never heard of the names or history of the characters. Through film, he educated us, honored those who paved the way for us, and encouraged us to celebrate who we are: young, gifted, and Black.

Then, as if he hadn’t done enough, in Black Panther, he performed the role of a lifetime as King T’Challa. I’ll let you in on a secret, fellow navigator. I saw Black Panther multiple times in theaters, watched it several times on demand, and was even tempted to purchase it for my movie library (this is pending). To say that the movie changed my life would be an inaccurate statement. Instead, the movie reignited a sense of pride I once carried proudly as if it was a badge of honor for being an African woman in America.

There are very few films about the Continent (fictional countries or not) that depict the brilliance, ingenuity, and beauty of Africa and her people. In 2020, we’re still viewed as savages, poor, and uneducated. Those of us who make it out and obtain a world-class education seldom return to apply our knowledge to developing the places we came from. Instead, we work to maintain the privileged lives we’ve come to know; we work to survive in another man’s land. Meanwhile, our homes continue to be stripped, plundered, and pillaged by outsiders of resources only found in our soil.

Outside of his films, I also think about the acts of service Chadwick Boseman performed. It makes sense now why he spent so much time visiting sick children and teens in hospitals. The stories he shared about the young people trying to hold on to life to see Black Panther now carry greater meaning. After news broke that he, too, had been diagnosed with cancer, everything about the way this man chose to spend his time on Earth became clear. Not knowing exactly how much time he had left, he pressed through to pay it forward and give back in ways we can only imagine.

As I reflect on the life and legacy of Chadwick Boseman, I can’t help but thank God for allowing this man to grace us with his presence on this earth for 43 years. Although I, too, think he still had so much to offer, the way he used his time is tremendously appreciated. I believe he fought until the end and lived out a purpose through his art that will (and has) transformed our generation. As far as I’m concerned, I don’t need another Black Panther because that role would never be done justice by any other actor. Chadwick Boseman embodied that character and gave life to it that only he could. He wasn’t just an actor on the stage. No, he was showing us what Black excellence could become if we chose to use our talents and intelligence for progress.

Through film, he educated us, honored those who paved the way for us, and encouraged us to celebrate who we are: young, gifted, and Black.

— Ethleen Sawyerr

There are very few celebrities, total strangers, that I’ve shed tears for upon hearing news of their passing. But Chadwick Boseman did something for Black people that very few actors and actresses have. He was right when he said, “There would be no Black Panther without Denzel Washington,” as he paid tribute to the man who privately paid for Boseman to attend a prestigious acting program in England. Years from now, because of what this man did to educate us through film, I believe voices will rise to say, “There would be no (insert name here) without Chadwick Boseman.”

Fellow navigator, under no circumstances do I believe Chadwick Boseman should be immortalized or treated like a god. However, we must stop to acknowledge those who use their influence and platforms to uplift and empower. I, for one, am grateful God created Chadwick Boseman because his will always be a name I remember. Would you agree? Tell me about it!

Mental Musings: Receiving Validation After Years of Sacrifice

It was worth it

Achieving a dream makes the sacrifices seem small.

Entrepreneurship. That single word carries so much meaning that no two people share the exact same experience. While some aspects of the journey are similar, we all go down the path and make decisions that land us in different places.

I wrote some years ago that I became an accidental entrepreneur. It wasn’t something I really planned out. In fact, I was at a proverbial fork in the road and had to choose between pursuing doctoral studies or starting a business. Making it very clear to God the terms I had set, I allowed Him to have the last word. Almost five years ago, I set out on a journey that has forever altered my course.

It’s true what they say that being a business owner requires sacrifice. In all honesty, the ones who succeed at business make it look way too easy. While we see the celebrations and happy moments, there are probably more valley experiences on the journey that can easily discourage any soul longing to be their own boss. Fellow navigator, entrepreneurship is not for the faint of heart. Even though the life seems glamorous, it can easily break the one who doesn’t approach it with a plan.

I share about my journey in Defiant! Redefining Singleness at 30+ because I can’t possibly talk about being a single woman without mentioning what has captured a lot of my attention over the last several years: Speak Write Play. I started the company at the suggestion of a friend almost a year after he whispered the thought in my ear. Like many, I have stories about putting money back into the business before treating myself, eating sandwiches and whatever was cheap and affordable instead of going out to nice restaurants like I used to when I had a corporate job, and wearing just about every hat because I couldn’t afford to pay someone to do what I needed done.

After years of working, learning, and spending a lot of money that could have been used to pamper myself, I can finally say that I have arrived. Please don’t misunderstand. This is not said in an attempt to be braggadocios. Rather, I stand proud because my company is now at a place where I am responsible for the livelihood of others. Granted, no one is full-time yet. However, knowing that there are people who count on income from the work they do for me to keep them going gives me a sense of accomplishment. This is the very place I’ve been trying to get to. Now, regardless of whether Speak Write Play becomes a billion-dollar company or not, I am content.

There are some who may not view this as a huge feat, and that is alright. But I know that I have literally built a company by myself from the ground up. There have been countless sleepless nights, conversations with friends and family about how I wanted to quit and go work for someone, and 60+ hour work weeks. This company literally is my baby, and I feel validated. What brought this on? Why am I writing about my business on a blog about singleness? Because I didn’t understand the gravity of where I stood as a business owner until a conversation with a technical support representative. As the man asked me questions about my website to solve the issues I’d called about, he offered his congratulations on my being able to have people work for me. After hanging up, I kept thinking about what he said. To this random stranger on the phone, I had done it. I had gotten to that place of taking what may have started as a hobby and turning it into a company that has paid workers.

This company literally is my baby, and I feel validated.

— Ethleen Sawyerr

Since it is the fifth Wednesday of the month and this is a “mental musings” post, I wanted to share because I desired to encourage you, fellow navigator, in your pursuits. It sometimes takes a total stranger pointing something out to us to make us pause and take stock of how far we’ve come. But that one seemingly meaningless conversation can carry weight beyond measure.

If you were to take a moment and think about all that you’ve done in your single years while waiting for that man, what are you proud of? How have you found validation in yourself? Tell me about it!