Tag Archives: faith

Dear Navigator, This is the Kind of Love I Want

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I’m not seeking perfection, but…

Once upon a time, I wanted it all. I sought success, wealth, notoriety, and all things luxurious. My idea of love was being with a man who could take care of me financially and pamper me with the finer things in life. We’d drive luxury cars that would make people stop and stare. Our primary home would be like something only found in magazines. I decided our happiness would be based on how many things we possessed, including vacation homes around the world.

It took a chance meeting with someone to open my eyes to see what love really looked like. Although our relationship never evolved into anything romantic, he showed me that there was more to life than a six or seven-figure salary. Simple acts of care and consideration took the spotlight as he made sure my basic needs were met. When I was cold, he offered his sweater. When I was hungry, he fed me. When I was tired, he let me sleep in his bed. Value was placed on the mental stimulation he offered me, as well as the time and attention he gave me.

Our friendship eventually came to an end due to distance and choice of differing paths. Nevertheless, from that single friendship, I embarked on a journey to find out the kind of love I wanted.

I want the kind of love that makes me feel safe to express myself openly and honestly. A love where I’m comfortable asking questions, regardless of how ridiculous, stupid, or embarrassing they may be.

I want the kind of love that listens to me attentively. A love where, despite how nonsensical the topic may be, I can speak and feel heard.

I want the kind of love that tells me I’m beautiful even when I’m at my worst. A love where I’m made to feel desirable on days when I want to hide my hair under a hat and wear baggy clothes to mask the bloating.

I want the kind of love that fights for us when I don’t have the strength to continue. A love where we can come together after an argument and calmly discuss our viewpoints, without casting blame or pointing fingers.

I want the kind of love that sees me for me. A love that doesn’t compare me to former lovers or make me feel inferior for not measuring up to another.

I want the kind of love that honors God. A love where we grow together in a relationship that pleases Him.

Value was placed on the mental stimulation he offered me, as well as the time and attention he gave me.

It’s crazy to think about this sometimes. The friend previously mentioned was the catalyst to bringing about all of these realizations. My journey has been filled with loves that never offered me everything I desired, but each one taught me something valuable about myself and my heart. One taught me to never downplay my intelligence. Another showed me that a relationship cannot last when critical information is withheld from the other. Still another taught me that the lack of mental stimulation will lead to resentment and unhappiness.

Now, my list is not exhaustive. I’ve left room for many other things to be added. But, when I think about what I really desire from someone in order to feel cared for, I recognize that it’s less about money and material possessions. The things of this world will eventually fade away. People can get to the point where they’ve amassed so much wealth that they no longer know what to do with themselves.

Fellow navigator, learning about our specific needs in a romantic relationship might take kissing a few frogs to discover what we don’t deserve. It could also mean spending extensive periods of time in deep introspection. If you had to pen the kind of love you want, what would be on your list? Tell me about it!

Dear Navigator, Temptation is Real…Like, Really Real

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I recently heard a sermon about David’s fall at the hands of a woman.

That’s not exactly how the preacher put it, but it’s essentially what he was saying. David, a man after God’s own heart, stumbled and fell because he desired something he couldn’t have: another man’s wife. David, a king with hundreds of thousands ready to die for him, faltered because of one thing: another man’s wife. What does this chapter in the book of his life teach us? I take from it two things. First, he’s human. Second, temptation is all too real.

Have you ever stopped to think about the fact that no one is above being tempted? Even Jesus, the Son of God, was faced with moments when he could have simply given into what Satan was offering him (food, power, and riches). Can we stop and take this in for a minute? Lucifer went so far as to try to get Jesus, the Lamb of God, to forsake his own Father. If that doesn’t put things into perspective about the power of temptation and the lengths at which Satan will go to deceive us, I don’t know what will.

Now, Jesus had just come off a fast. (Read Matthew 4 for the full story!). He was weak, and food would have been great. Nevertheless, he resists the devil’s advances and responds with Bible verses. Three times Satan tried to get Jesus to give in, and three times the Prince of Peace refused. He stood his ground and thwarted any plans Satan had for him that day.

Let’s be real: we don’t come close to being Jesus. When a beautiful, caring man enters our lives and whispers all those sweet nothings, most of us are all too eager to plan forever with him. When that same handsome man appears to have everything we’re looking for, we may be quick to ignore the fact that he’s missing the most important criteria: a relationship with God. I think it’s fitting to write about this, fellow navigator, because it’s a situation that I have found myself in one time too many.

The story is always the same. We meet, get to know each other, talk about every nonsensical issue under the sun, then eventually make our way to the serious topics. This is the make it or break it moment in determining if the relationship will live or die. In most cases, the feelings of “love” fizzle as we realize we’re not as compatible as we thought. We’re not pursuing God in the same way. We don’t have similar views on family or how children should be raised. We don’t think about marriage and the role each other will play the same. How can a relationship lead to forever when we don’t see eye-to-eye about these vital topics? It can’t. And it doesn’t.

I mentioned David earlier for a reason. Before I say what it is, let me just state that relationships are difficult to navigate. We are deceived by our eyes and mind to think that what we don’t want is what we need and vice versa. Temptation rears its ugly head each and every time we think we are strong in an area. It uncovers our weak spots, takes advantage of us, then leaves us high and dry to pick ourselves back up after we’ve fallen to the ground.

With regard to David, even though he could have had any single woman in the nation, temptation in the form of lust led him to pursue a married woman. He was captivated by Bathsheba’s naked form and, not being where he should have been (fighting with the army), he gave into the temptation. This critical moment caused him to take other actions that would lead to his downfall. (I encourage you to read the story in Matthew 4 to get the full context.)

Temptation rears its ugly head each and every time we think we are strong in an area.

I’m no Bible scholar, but I believe we’re all susceptible, like David, to having weak moments. (After all, we are human!) We see a man we want and go after him with reckless abandon. It’s not until after our hearts have become tied to this person that we discover the skeletons in his closet. He may be married. He might not believe in monogamy. He doesn’t believe in marriage. Or, the one that causes many women strong in the faith to waver, he might not have a relationship with God. Period.

It is temptation that leads us to a place of indecision about what to do next. We weigh pros and cons and try to find ways to make the relationship work. Slowly, after reflecting on all the good feelings we had with this man, some of us decide that life with him is better than life without him. Translation: We choose him over our convictions. Why is this important? Why should we care? Aren’t relationships supposed to be about compromise? Yes, compromise is a key word when it comes to relationships. But, if we must compromise the beliefs that make us who we are, then we are living a lie.

Remember that story in the Bible when Jesus talks about those people who would come and say how they did all those things in his name? What did he say back to them? He said he would tell them to depart from him because he didn’t know them. Yes, they did great things in his name, but their hearts were far from him. Translation: They professed him and did good deeds, but they didn’t really know him. If they knew him, they would have had a relationship with him. If they had had a relationship with him, they would have obeyed his teachings. If they had obeyed his teachings, they would not have entered into relationships with men who didn’t know him because he clearly states that being unequally yoked is not what’s up.

Fellow navigator, relationships do require compromise. However, when compromise comes in the form of ignoring our deal-breakers, we shouldn’t do it. They are called “deal-breakers” for a reason. That good man you want more than anything, the one who makes every other guy before him look like a chump, is not worth disobeying God. I know that not everyone might receive this message; I didn’t write it for everyone. This blog post is one written from a place of vulnerability as a reminder to myself and women like me who have been tempted to give up on faith because they question if another good man will present himself.

What are your thoughts, fellow navigator? Have you ever found yourself in this place? Tell me about it!

Living Single While Quarantined

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PSA: Please check on your single friends who live alone.

Several weeks ago, I got an email from a married friend asking if I was okay. It was weird because she almost never emails me. Her message said she was emailing because I hadn’t responded to her text messages; she was concerned. She sent the email because it was uncharacteristic of me to go days, much less more than a few hours, without responding to her texts. Knowing that I live by myself and because of all that’s been happening with COVID-19, she wanted to make sure nothing had happened.

Feeling so special!

Fellow navigator, can I tell you how much it warmed my heart to receive that email from her? I mean, I nearly cried reading her message. After about a week and some troubleshooting, we were able to begin receiving and sending texts. It turns out there was an issue with the phones/network where, for whatever reason, she didn’t receive my responses to her texts (only mine).

Living single while quarantined is not for the faint of heart. In fact, if you’re not used to being in your own company on a fairly regular basis, it can be darn-near depressing. I feel like I have it even worse because I’m also self-employed; I spend a lot of time in my apartment or by myself somewhere. When you’re married, you at least have another adult to communicate with about everything from the most mundane to the overly complex. There’s someone to bounce ideas off, and you can easily find things to do that allow you to decompress or forget that you’re essentially confined to one space indefinitely.

“In fact, if you’re not used to being in your own company on a fairly regular basis, it can be darn-near depressing.”

While this quarantined life wasn’t a huge adjustment for me, I’ve definitely had my share of struggles being home alone almost 24/7. Minus the once a week (if even that) grocery, mail, or trash run, I haven’t left my apartment in over a month. Although some leaders in Georgia have not taken this pandemic seriously, I shut almost everything down when they closed the schools. I live in a place where people don’t check in during normal conditions; I can’t dare count on them to so much as pick up a phone in the middle of this mess.

Yeah…

There’s no doubt that the number of cases of people struggling with mental health issues and depression will increase the longer quarantined life continues. I’m sad to even think about the number of suicidal attempts that will take place because people are lonely and uncertain how to survive their new normal. This is real, and we don’t want to assume people are alright until it’s too late.

Take it from me: there are many days when I’m not ok. My one constant is literally taking stock of my life and remembering how good God has been to me thus far. I lost about 85% of my income when this pandemic began; I honestly can’t tell you how I’m still living day-to-day. As the one who has contingencies for my contingencies, I did not see this pandemic hitting us as hard as it has. All I know is that I’m grateful for a father who helps when he can, past life experiences that have taught me how to survive with little, and a God who continues to provide opportunities for work.

“Take it from me: there are many days when I’m not ok.”

We’re deviating from the “not I” theme this week because this needs to be said. It takes less than five minutes to pick up a phone and actually talk with a single friend who lives alone, especially someone you don’t talk to regularly. Don’t send a text. Don’t shoot an email. Call. I’m the person who will give a generic response to a text if someone I don’t unusually talk to decides to “check on me.” If the person was really concerned, they’d pick up a phone. It’s as simple as that.

It’s that easy.

I’m grateful that my friend was resourceful enough to find another way of trying to reach me when texting and calling wasn’t working. It showed me that she was determined to reach me when one avenue failed. It told me she valued me enough to try until she was certain I was ok. It made me feel loved beyond measure. That’s what us singles need. There’s but so much a man can do. In these times, the knowledge that we matter is enough. Period.

Fellow navigator, have you been having some of the same feelings living this quarantined life? What are you doing to help pass the time and stay sane? Who has made you feel like you mattered recently?

Not I: Man Hater?

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One thing I’ve never understood is why people make the assumption that a woman who chooses to live her best single life hates men. Let’s get something straight: I am not a man hater. Men are great! They provide emotional stability and rational thinking when my hormones go crazy. They offer a different perspective concerning situations that I never in a million years would have considered. For these reasons (and more), I value the role of men in my life.

Just because I make the conscious decision not to enter into a relationship doesn’t mean I’m a man hater. I hate when people make this assumption because they peg me as someone I’m not. My choice to remain single doesn’t stem from a dislike of men; it’s because I don’t want to repeat past mistakes.

It happens…

Speaking to both sides of the divide, I think there needs to be some understanding. We never know another person’s story when it comes to relationships and past experiences. To assume I hate men because I’m not ready to walk down the aisle is a faux pas. I could have been abused, manipulated, or mistreated in other ways by a man. Believe me, the hurt and pain that that suffering awakens takes time to get over.

“Let’s get something straight: I am not a man hater.”

To the men, I ask you to be patient and kind. A woman with her guard up probably has stories upon stories to tell of when she allowed someone in and had her trust broken. I wish I could tell men that their willingness to walk alongside a woman through her pain and mess would do far more good than simply getting frustrated and giving up the chase.

To the women, I would tell you that not all men are the same. After coming out of a bad relationship, we often question our own judgment, find ourselves in the same predicament with a man who’s just as bad because we believe that’s the best we can do, or swear off men altogether. While it’s easy to remain guarded and expect a man to fight to show he really wants us, I’d say that path leads to even more pain. We can’t put everything on a man. Our healing doesn’t come from any one human being; it comes from God.

“Believe me, the hurt and pain that that suffering awakens takes time to get over.”

Before getting involved in a new relationship, I am a firm advocate of us taking time for serious introspection to learn about ourselves. Ask yourself some vital questions that will bring much clarity and allow you to honestly get to know yourself.

  • What about this man made him so attracted to you?
  • When were you happiest in the relationship?
  • What aspects of his character gave you cause to pause?
  • How many times did he offer genuine support?
  • How often did his words pierce you?
  • After the first incident, why didn’t you walk away?
  • Who did you go to for counsel about this man?
  • Was that confidant in a position to give you healthy relationship advice?
  • At any point, did you ever pray and ask God if He was pleased with the union?
  • Did you witness the fruit of this man’s relationship with God before dating?
  • How did you view your worth before dating this man?
  • How did you view your worth after the relationship ended?

That was a lot! Introspection is not a one-size-fits-all process. We all take in and analyze information differently. I think there’s great truth when they say we date the same men with different names. All I’m offering, fellow navigator, are some great starters to get you to begin noticing your patterns.

“Our healing doesn’t come from any one human being; it comes from God.”

Because of our environments growing up, family dynamics, and other factors, I believe we continue vicious cycles when we choose to go it alone. The beauty of our faith in God is that He never leaves us. Even when those around us fail to come through, our Father in heaven is always there.

Always.

Fellow navigator, don’t allow past hurts to keep you from future promises. We’re not men haters. We’re not bound by the pain of people who used and abused us. We are strong, brilliant, caring women who have much to offer the world. We grow from our less-than-stellar situations and move one step closer to being who God created us to be.

Have you ever been accused of being a man hater because of the stance you’ve taken when it comes to dating relationships? What have you learned about yourself regarding romantic relationships? I’d love to hear your story!

Not I: Thinking of Settling?

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There’s something to be said for being a single woman in her 30’s in 2020. Unlike some little girls, I didn’t spend too much time fantasizing about a dream wedding or fairytale life with a husband, house, and picket fence. In my younger years, I just assumed marriage would find its way to me during college or immediately after. I watched the romcoms about how two random strangers met in the most unexpected way, fell in love, then walked down the aisle shortly after their chance encounter. It happened in the movies; I knew that was the kind of story I wanted.

“It wasn’t until marriage took away one of us that we picked our heads up out our books to see the world had continued spinning.”

It was easy to continue living while waiting for the man of my dreams to magically appear. After all, I wasn’t the only single person in my social circle in those days. In fact, my single female friends and I felt empowered to continue pursuing our individual dreams because we had each other to count on for motivation and encouragement. It wasn’t until marriage took away one of us that we picked our heads up out our books to see the world had continued spinning. I don’t intend to make marriage sound like a grim ending to an otherwise happy life. No. Instead, I use those words because, as we later learned, that particular friend’s marriage ended up robbing her of years she can never get back.

Learning from mistakes.

My dear friend said “I do” to a man, who cheated on her even before they were married, out of a sense of duty to family members. The entire trajectory of her life changed the day she married a man who never cared about her dreams, goals, or aspirations. I wish I could go back and scream even louder in my friend’s ear about the visible red flags of her then boyfriend. I wish I would have been strong enough to tell her that her family got it wrong, even at the risk of losing our friendship. Sadly, I didn’t.

My friend’s marriage ended not too long after it started, and she is now a single mom struggling to make ends meet. The young, vibrant college grad with a world of possibilities in front of her now has a new reality filled with studying late at night, taking care of her child, and working several jobs to put food on the table and keep the lights on. If this is your reality, dear navigator, I don’t mean to condemn. Life’s circumstances often place us in positions where we are helpless or feel as though we are. I commend my friend for doing what she needs to do for her family. I applaud her for continuing down her path to obtaining higher education in the face of adversity.

When I think about settling for the next man who rolls up in a Jaguar wearing a three-piece suit and uttering sweet nothings, I think of my friend. The unraveling of her marriage was inevitable. Those of us in her social circle knew he didn’t appreciate or deserve her. She valued education. He cared about looking like he was a million bucks. She enjoyed going out to social gatherings filled with art and culture. His idea of a good time was going to the club or drinking. She dreamed of traveling to foreign lands and speaking other languages. He was perfectly fine staying in his little corner of the world until the day he died (with occasional trips to the land of his ancestors). I didn’t realize it then, but I see now that my friend settled big time for this man. She cast her plans aside to be with him, and it ended up being a terrible decision.

“Those of us in her social circle knew he didn’t appreciate or deserve her.”

What does “settling” look like? It can take on different forms for each of us. For me, it’s choosing to be with someone who doesn’t love children. It’s saying “I do” to a man who would rather sit in front of a TV all day than spend quality time with his wife and children. For me, “settling” is picking a man who has no interest in other languages, cultures, or people.

Not settling.

Think about the things that matter the most to you. Now, think about the complete opposite of those things. When you entertain a potential partner who is the absolute opposite of all that matters most to you in the world, you’re settling. Don’t get me wrong, there is such a thing as compromise. That’s when you and your partner meet halfway or intentionally makes sacrifices for the other. I don’t care for American football. However, if the man I wanted to marry was a diehard football fan who wanted to share his passion with me, I’d suck it up and sit with him to watch a few games. This is true compromise.

If truth be told, I’ve thought about throwing in the towel and dating just any man. However, I just can’t get myself to do it. Fellow navigator, if there are attributes and things you truly desire in your spouse, don’t give up on meeting someone with them. I am a firm believer that God really does give us the desires of our hearts. He’s done it for so many before us, so we must trust that He can do it for us.

If you’ve considered settling, what prevented you from going through with it? If you did settle, what did you learn about yourself from the experience? Share your thoughts with our community!