Tag Archives: confident woman

Not I: Pretending to Have Everything Together?

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The last few weeks have been hectic, to say the least. I’ve felt like I’ve had to juggle a million responsibilities while maintaining my cool. Some years ago, I would have deprived myself of insane amounts of sleep, become strung out on coffee, and literally burned the proverbial midnight oil every single evening just to finish my work.

Now, I’ve learned to swallow my pride and admit that I’m imperfectly human. When I mess up and overbook myself, I tell the person who I have to break plans with the truth about what happened. I email clients and keep the lines of communication open if I know I won’t meet an editing deadline. I call clients the minute the GPS says I’m going to be more than five minutes late to an appointment. To me, informing the other person even a little bit ahead of time is better than trying to pretend like I can do it all when I can’t.

“I’ve learned to swallow my pride and admit that I’m imperfectly human.”

The same goes for my emotional state of being. I used to bottle everything up inside and never let people into my world. If someone did something that bothered me, I didn’t speak to them directly the moment the infraction occurred. If I was overlooked, I didn’t rectify the situation. If I had good news that I wanted to share, I kept it to myself and wondered why no one celebrated with me. Granted, the last one doesn’t happen often, but that’s not the point.

In general, when it came to my feelings, I kept my mouth closed. Those days are gone. Although I’m not quick to speak up, I have learned to establish safe spaces in specific relationships where I share my feelings openly and honestly. At times, it takes the other person acknowledging that things between us have changed, but I try to do my part.

I don’t want to go back to the life where I pretend like I have it all together when I’m crumbling inside. There’s freedom in allowing people to see my imperfections so that they don’t put me on a pedestal. I don’t want to be someone’s idea of perfect because, eventually, I will do something to ruin that notion. Instead, I just want to be me.

“Don’t put me on a pedestal.”

Reflecting on these things now, I recognize that I took some of my “pretender tendencies” into past relationships. This probably also explains why I did my best to openly display my flaws and quirks early on in my most recent relationship. My walls went up when something was done that bothered me. I kept him at arm’s length and refused to tell him what he did to make me become so cold. In the end, as I continued living in my own bubble, he gave up trying to reach me. The relationship ended shortly after that. After the last time this happened, I promised myself that I would do better. I would be better.

When I think about it, I can’t put all the blame on myself. One of the things that hit home was that relationships require two people putting forth their best to make things work. Simply put, not everyone will think I’m worth fighting for. Conversely, not every man I date is necessarily worth me expending copious amounts of time and energy to please and appease. Rather, fellow navigator, I believe a time will come when I will meet a man whose very essence will draw me in. It won’t be just any connection; this one will be real.

I see it happening almost like a magnetized force pulling us together. No matter how our words or actions hurt the other person, we will still come back together and try to make things work. It won’t be because we can’t live without each other. No, it’ll be because we see something in the other that we’ve never seen in anyone else before.

What do you think, fellow navigator? Are you walking around like you have it all together? When was the last time you embraced your beautifully imperfect self? Tell me about it!

Not I: The Ideal Woman?

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Let’s take a minute to discuss our flaws. It may seem a little odd to start a post this way, but I need you to allow me to explain. Growing up, I took it upon myself to try to be as perfect as possible. Well, sort of. I pursued academics with all I had within me because that was a world I understood. Not too concerned about those around me, I joined clubs, participated in other extracurricular activities, and volunteered in my community. The aim was not to get into an Ivy League school, but it was at the same time. I enjoyed studying, clubs, and volunteering. If those things just so happened to be what the top universities looked for, then it was a win-win.

“Growing up, I took it upon myself to try to be as perfect as possible.”

It was probably in high school that I began to see myself as different from my peers. The distinction was noticeable—not bad—just noticeable. I enjoyed serving at the local soup kitchen and taking part in charity walks on the weekends. It was easy to get so engrossed in a novel that half my day was spent reading about fictitious people in faraway lands. What’s more, I found satisfaction going to church and rehearsing for an upcoming skit instead of planning what I would wear to a party. In those days, my priorities were different. I was different.

The thought of becoming a “perfect woman” didn’t enter my mind until college. While on the grounds of Howard University, I could be any person I wanted to be. College was the time to reinvent myself. I could go by a different name, switch up my personality completely, or fake a backstory about being from an exotic country (accent included). The point is that the possibilities were endless once I set foot on that college campus. Nevertheless, while some minor things changed, I still basically remained the same. The biggest difference? My desire to achieve perfectionism reached its peak.

“College was the time to reinvent myself.”

I sought to become the kind of woman a man couldn’t resist. I desired the lifestyle of international travel, dinners with dignitaries, and more than enough money in my bank account. Like a shapeshifter, I found myself conforming to what I believed would appeal to my love interest at the time. Has that ever happened to you, fellow navigator? To read more, I talk about it in my book. The constant twisting and bending left me feeling like I had no identity. To be even more transparent, I felt like my identity was closely connected to my crush of the week.

After college, everything changed. Again, I changed. It was not until an event led to me abandoning many of my worldly possessions that I realized what was most important. Instead of trying to be the ideal woman, I pursued God with all I had within me. More than just going to church almost every day of the week, I spent time in intimate prayer and Bible study. It dawned on me that the ideal woman is one who finds her value in God. Eventually, I’ll have to part with my money and the things of this world. But, when it’s all said and done, my soul will have to spend eternity somewhere.

Fellow navigator, I no longer desire to be anyone’s ideal woman. It’s taken some time, but I’ve come to a place where I am content being me. Upon entering a dating relationship, I make my flaws and imperfections known. Sometimes, my strong sense of self-awareness leaves the other party taken aback, but I’m not concerned. I’m tired of wearing a mask—tired of the show we so often put on to get someone to like us. Yes, this approach has blown up in my face and caused a few men to turn around and leave quickly. However, the one who stays will be worth it.

What do you say we stop with the charade? I’m not suggesting we lay all our cards out on the proverbial table the very minute we meet someone of interest. Rather, I’m saying let’s be intentional about showing our real selves to those we encounter who we believe could be good life partners. Fellow navigator, do you play a role when around a dating prospect? Did you end up showing your true self? How did that unveiling go? Tell me about it!