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Mental Musings: Receiving Validation After Years of Sacrifice

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It was worth it

Achieving a dream makes the sacrifices seem small.

Entrepreneurship. That single word carries so much meaning that no two people share the exact same experience. While some aspects of the journey are similar, we all go down the path and make decisions that land us in different places.

I wrote some years ago that I became an accidental entrepreneur. It wasn’t something I really planned out. In fact, I was at a proverbial fork in the road and had to choose between pursuing doctoral studies or starting a business. Making it very clear to God the terms I had set, I allowed Him to have the last word. Almost five years ago, I set out on a journey that has forever altered my course.

It’s true what they say that being a business owner requires sacrifice. In all honesty, the ones who succeed at business make it look way too easy. While we see the celebrations and happy moments, there are probably more valley experiences on the journey that can easily discourage any soul longing to be their own boss. Fellow navigator, entrepreneurship is not for the faint of heart. Even though the life seems glamorous, it can easily break the one who doesn’t approach it with a plan.

I share about my journey in Defiant! Redefining Singleness at 30+ because I can’t possibly talk about being a single woman without mentioning what has captured a lot of my attention over the last several years: Speak Write Play. I started the company at the suggestion of a friend almost a year after he whispered the thought in my ear. Like many, I have stories about putting money back into the business before treating myself, eating sandwiches and whatever was cheap and affordable instead of going out to nice restaurants like I used to when I had a corporate job, and wearing just about every hat because I couldn’t afford to pay someone to do what I needed done.

After years of working, learning, and spending a lot of money that could have been used to pamper myself, I can finally say that I have arrived. Please don’t misunderstand. This is not said in an attempt to be braggadocios. Rather, I stand proud because my company is now at a place where I am responsible for the livelihood of others. Granted, no one is full-time yet. However, knowing that there are people who count on income from the work they do for me to keep them going gives me a sense of accomplishment. This is the very place I’ve been trying to get to. Now, regardless of whether Speak Write Play becomes a billion-dollar company or not, I am content.

There are some who may not view this as a huge feat, and that is alright. But I know that I have literally built a company by myself from the ground up. There have been countless sleepless nights, conversations with friends and family about how I wanted to quit and go work for someone, and 60+ hour work weeks. This company literally is my baby, and I feel validated. What brought this on? Why am I writing about my business on a blog about singleness? Because I didn’t understand the gravity of where I stood as a business owner until a conversation with a technical support representative. As the man asked me questions about my website to solve the issues I’d called about, he offered his congratulations on my being able to have people work for me. After hanging up, I kept thinking about what he said. To this random stranger on the phone, I had done it. I had gotten to that place of taking what may have started as a hobby and turning it into a company that has paid workers.

This company literally is my baby, and I feel validated.

— Ethleen Sawyerr

Since it is the fifth Wednesday of the month and this is a “mental musings” post, I wanted to share because I desired to encourage you, fellow navigator, in your pursuits. It sometimes takes a total stranger pointing something out to us to make us pause and take stock of how far we’ve come. But that one seemingly meaningless conversation can carry weight beyond measure.

If you were to take a moment and think about all that you’ve done in your single years while waiting for that man, what are you proud of? How have you found validation in yourself? Tell me about it!

Mental Musings: Writing to Remember

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words Can break cycles

My published words kept me from ruining a relationship that was being tested.

Almost two months ago, I published the book, Defiant! Redefining Singleness at 30+, because I wanted to document some critical life events that have led me to being 30 and single. What originally started as a series of letters to my unborn adult daughter, reassuring her that being 30+ and single isn’t a bad thing, turned into a manifesto of sorts. I poured a lot of my personal life onto the pages because I needed to get out my frustrations, joys, and feelings of loneliness that I’ve experienced on this journey.

While writing Defiant!, I felt like I was setting myself free from people’s expectations and assumptions about my relationship status. I intentionally chose to write it in the style I did because I wanted it to serve as a reminder of the thoughts and emotions I experienced; I knew those feelings would creep up again during the most inconvenient times on my journey as a single woman. I wrote about the pain of relocating and feeling like I didn’t have friends. In the book, I share about my struggles with my body image and other insecurities.

Yeah…

In as much as I wrote this book for my unborn daughter, if truth be told, I also wrote it for myself. Being single at 30 doesn’t feel the same as other ages. I don’t know if I’ve quite nailed down why this age carries so much weight in the life of a single woman, but I’ve decided not to allow a number to define who I am and what I’ve done. I thought being able to chronicle my experiences was a sign that I had conquered this area of my life; I was wrong.

Have you ever written something, put it aside, then gone back to it only to realize it was just what you needed in your lowest point? That’s what Defiant! Redefining Singleness at 30+ is for me. I wrote it because I didn’t want my unborn daughter listening to the lies of this world about her relationship status and what it means for her identity.

I’ve decided not to allow a number to define who I am and what I’ve done.

— Ethleen Sawyerr

A few weeks ago, I had a moment where I felt like I was going in a cycle with a particular relationship. A guy friend and I were having horrible communication issues. It was so bad that I had been feeling really low about myself. He made some pretty harsh comments and said things that left me questioning my identity and consistency as a friend. (In hindsight, his behavior was probably triggered out of place of his own pain and frustration with what had happened in our relationship.) The problem was that, though I’d never uttered the words, I had been entertaining the idea of this friendship becoming more. He never knew these thoughts were going through my head, but I had been closely observing our interactions to see if he was someone who could have a more valuable role in my life. Therefore, what he said took an even greater toll on me because I questioned whether I measured up as someone he could be with.

After his painful words, I wondered if there was truth to his remarks. Had I been exhibiting those behaviors? Was I the cause of confusion in relationships? Did I really push people away? The questions kept coming, but I saw no answers in sight. One day, when I was ready to do something that was out of my character in desperation to keep this man in my life, I had a passing thought that I should read my book. I found my copy on my bookshelf, opened to the chapter about not chasing dudes, and read. In those pages, I found the exact words I longed for someone to tell me in that moment.

Totally needed that pep talk!

You know what I did after closing the pages? I pushed pause on moving forward with my plan to communicate with this man, opened my laptop, and allowed my thoughts to fill the pages. I didn’t want to appear emotionally unstable by saying something to him I wouldn’t be able to take back. I’d been in this place before. I know that when my emotions are running wild, my ability to think rationally goes out the window. If I’m unable to break things down into logical steps, I go into panic mode because my brain can’t process what’s going on. This is not the case for everyone. Being single and having more than enough time to get to know myself, I’ve learned to recognize my patterns.

It was then that I saw the value of my book. Whether I sell 20 copies or 20 million, I don’t care. If writing this book was simply for me to have a guide for when life felt like it was going in cycles, I’m glad I did.

Gotta encourage yourself!

Fellow navigator, books, like music, are powerful tools that can bring healing and save lives. Are you an author? Did you ever have a similar experience? What’s the name of a book that has changed your life? Tell me about it!