Category Archives: See Me

See Me: Why I’m Still Single After College

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Answering an Age-Old Question

Back in undergrad, it was not unusual for me to return home for break and get asked about my dating life. In fact, it was almost always the question posed by some church ladies who seemed to know something I didn’t. Well, it turns out they really did! Apparently, college was (and probably still is) the best time to try and land yourself a man.

While my previous comment is made in jest, I’ve found that there might be some truth to it. I mean, think about it. During your undergrad years, you’re typically away from home and allowed to reinvent yourself into the person you want to be. You can experiment with your sexuality, explore new interests, and see how you function while not under the watchful eye of mom and dad. Honestly, it’s during your college years that you find out who you are and what you’re made of.

If it’s true that you discover who you are during undergrad, then it makes total sense that a relationship formed at this time could potentially last forever. Right? I mean, you’re both being your true selves and figuring life out as you go. There’s no need for pretenses because you have nothing to hide since all the cards are on the proverbial table.

After thinking long and hard about this, I wondered why I hadn’t maximized my college years to meet my Mr. Right. For all I know, he could’ve been the guy in my English lit class or a panelist at one of the business conferences I attended. We could’ve gone to the same embassy networking events or been at the National Mall at the same time. Why hadn’t I put in the energy required to stick my head out of my books to take notice of the tall, beautiful, educated Black men around me?

Well, fellow navigator, I didn’t do any of those things because I was, you know, getting an education. Although I had a pretty decent social life during undergrad, the majority of my time was spent focused on my studies. I mean, I wasn’t going to college to catch a man. I was going to college to learn and set myself up for a bright future filled with endless possibilities.

Knowing what I know about myself now, I think getting into a serious relationship during undergrad would’ve been detrimental because I would have lost focus. My life would have centered around that man and his happiness; I would not have put much thought into pursuing my own goals. Why do I say that? Because that tends to be what happens. While this is not the case for everyone, I find that women often make more compromises in relationships when it comes to careers. We’re the ones who get pregnant and carry a baby in our stomachs for months at a time. We’re expected to go on maturity leave to raise that child. We tend to earn less, so we end up taking a back seat as our spouses climb the professional career ladders. If this is not true for you, then more power to you.

During my single years, I have been afforded opportunities to do things I never thought I could or would. There have been no compromises made on my end, except for the things that I, and I alone, have chosen not to do or involve myself in. I have come into my own as a woman who knows what she wants, who she is, and where she desires to be in life. Why am I still single? Because I want to be.

If I’m completely honest, while it’s been difficult at times returning to an empty home, I wouldn’t trade the experiences I’ve had for marriage. Meaning, if I knew it would take 30+ years without a spouse for me to become who I am now, I’d willingly tell God to let me live my life solo. I know that the man I end up with will see value and beauty in all I have gone through and have to contribute to our relationship. I know he will appreciate my strong sense of self-awareness. I’m confident he will realize that the woman he sees and loves would not be who she is without all she has gone through.

I have come into my own as a woman who knows what she wants, who she is, and where she desires to be in life.

— Ethleen Sawyerr

So, to answer the age-old question, I’m still single because I’m living my life as I should. When the right man comes into the picture, that could all change. But, until then, I will continue to do what makes me happy and feel fulfilled. My spouse is meant to complement, not complete, me. What about you, fellow navigator? How do you respond when people ask you why you’re still single? Tell me about it!

See Me: Pushing Past Pain Toward Purpose

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A Life Lived to Uplift the Culture

This past weekend, what was meant to be a momentous occasion filled with celebration was marked by sadness and tears as news spread of Chadwick Boseman’s passing. Though I didn’t personally know the man or have anything in common with him, except the fact that we both attended Howard University (HU!), I wept like he was a brother from another mother. As the tears streamed down my face, thoughts of the impact of this man’s life raced through my mind. While I cannot speak to his character outside of what was captured on film or through the lens of a camera, I mourned the passing of a life that lived out a definite purpose.

Hearing that he had endured years of chemotherapy and pain to deliver films and content that effectively changed Black culture made matters more tragic. It wasn’t because he had kept his illness a secret. No, that was a personal decision that I believe may have been the best for him. Rather, it was because this man pushed past the pain and suffering he endured regularly because he believed the stories of the individuals he portrayed were worth telling. Not only were the characters he played on the screen iconic, but he also brought new life to them that I don’t believe any other actor could have done so exquisitely. He wasn’t just reading lines from a script as Jackie Robinson. I believe he fully immersed himself into the character to give us, the audience, an inside look into what it was really like for the famous baseball player.

As a Howard alum, I know he was more than informed about the historical significance of the characters he played. Let’s be honest: hardly anyone graduates from Howard without knowing more than their fair share about colonialism, white privilege, systemic racism, and the Black Panthers. Yes, it may be a generalization. But it’s one that seems to be proven true every time I speak with non-HBCU graduates about these topics.

Looking at all the films he acted in, I believe Chadwick Boseman was intentional about the roles he selected. Yes, he may have sought to challenge himself for the sake of his art, but it seems apparent that he had something else in mind: purpose. To me, he chose roles that would impact a generation. From Get on Up to Marshall to Da 5 Bloods, Boseman joined fellow actors and actresses to tell stories in a fresh way to a generation that may have never heard of the names or history of the characters. Through film, he educated us, honored those who paved the way for us, and encouraged us to celebrate who we are: young, gifted, and Black.

Then, as if he hadn’t done enough, in Black Panther, he performed the role of a lifetime as King T’Challa. I’ll let you in on a secret, fellow navigator. I saw Black Panther multiple times in theaters, watched it several times on demand, and was even tempted to purchase it for my movie library (this is pending). To say that the movie changed my life would be an inaccurate statement. Instead, the movie reignited a sense of pride I once carried proudly as if it was a badge of honor for being an African woman in America.

There are very few films about the Continent (fictional countries or not) that depict the brilliance, ingenuity, and beauty of Africa and her people. In 2020, we’re still viewed as savages, poor, and uneducated. Those of us who make it out and obtain a world-class education seldom return to apply our knowledge to developing the places we came from. Instead, we work to maintain the privileged lives we’ve come to know; we work to survive in another man’s land. Meanwhile, our homes continue to be stripped, plundered, and pillaged by outsiders of resources only found in our soil.

Outside of his films, I also think about the acts of service Chadwick Boseman performed. It makes sense now why he spent so much time visiting sick children and teens in hospitals. The stories he shared about the young people trying to hold on to life to see Black Panther now carry greater meaning. After news broke that he, too, had been diagnosed with cancer, everything about the way this man chose to spend his time on Earth became clear. Not knowing exactly how much time he had left, he pressed through to pay it forward and give back in ways we can only imagine.

As I reflect on the life and legacy of Chadwick Boseman, I can’t help but thank God for allowing this man to grace us with his presence on this earth for 43 years. Although I, too, think he still had so much to offer, the way he used his time is tremendously appreciated. I believe he fought until the end and lived out a purpose through his art that will (and has) transformed our generation. As far as I’m concerned, I don’t need another Black Panther because that role would never be done justice by any other actor. Chadwick Boseman embodied that character and gave life to it that only he could. He wasn’t just an actor on the stage. No, he was showing us what Black excellence could become if we chose to use our talents and intelligence for progress.

Through film, he educated us, honored those who paved the way for us, and encouraged us to celebrate who we are: young, gifted, and Black.

— Ethleen Sawyerr

There are very few celebrities, total strangers, that I’ve shed tears for upon hearing news of their passing. But Chadwick Boseman did something for Black people that very few actors and actresses have. He was right when he said, “There would be no Black Panther without Denzel Washington,” as he paid tribute to the man who privately paid for Boseman to attend a prestigious acting program in England. Years from now, because of what this man did to educate us through film, I believe voices will rise to say, “There would be no (insert name here) without Chadwick Boseman.”

Fellow navigator, under no circumstances do I believe Chadwick Boseman should be immortalized or treated like a god. However, we must stop to acknowledge those who use their influence and platforms to uplift and empower. I, for one, am grateful God created Chadwick Boseman because his will always be a name I remember. Would you agree? Tell me about it!

See Me: The Good, the Bad, and the Crazy

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Keeping it real about my complexities

Believe it or not, I used to be pretty uptight when I was younger. To be completely honest, I probably still am when it comes to certain things. That’s neither here nor there. I wrote once that I’m a complex creature because there are so many layers to me that it would take a man a lifetime to uncover them all. There’s the version of me he sees when in a professional setting, another when we’re in private, and yet a different one when we’re among friends. It’s not that I’m two-faced or put on a show based on who is around. No, it’s because I’ve learned not to allow everyone to have complete access to my true self.

Business associates and colleagues have no right to know what I do in the comfort and privacy of my home. Workplace etiquette demands that I maintain a certain level of professionalism to ensure that I’m taken seriously and critiqued based on my performance. Similarly, friends (even close ones) don’t need to know the intimate details of my love life. This is not to say that those my future partner and I choose to take on accountability roles in our relationship won’t get this access. Instead, I’m suggesting that I won’t be running around in the streets telling people about every tiff my future partner and I have.

When it comes to everything that is me, there is the good, the bad, and the crazy. I’ve learned that just because someone plays some sort of role in my life does not give them the right to see me in every light. By setting boundaries, I guard my heart and keep people who may not be able to handle it all at bay. Past experiences have taught that I place myself at a greater risk of getting hurt and doing unnecessary emotional and psychological damage when I fail to establish boundaries.

Setting boundaries looks differently for everyone. For me, I’ve broken my world into the three categories previously mentioned: the good, the bad, and the crazy. This is my way of determining how close to allow someone to get to me. Everyone starts in the good and, depending how things go, make their way to the bad. If they are able to hang on, they ultimately cross the finish line to the crazy. While these are terms I use in jest, they actually accurately sum up what transpires in the three major categories.

Let’s start with the good. This is reserved for those who get to experience the joys of life with me. We cheer each other on, check in to hear about life updates, and encourage one another to achieve our goals. In a romantic relationship, this is the “getting to know each other” stage. We discuss our passions, hobbies, and things that generally make us happy. The relationships aren’t superficial, but they lack the depth of the other two.

Next, the bad is saved for those who are emotionally and spiritually stronger than I am. We go through the harder times of life together. We walk through moments of questioning it all and wanting to give up. When I feel like I’m on my last leg and hopeless, they’re the ones I turn to for prayer and support. When my fire looks like it’s about to go out, they add fuel to keep it running. In a romantic relationship, we discuss deal breakers, faith, politics, and just about every other taboo topic. This group of people are few, but they are dear. Made up of prayer warriors, positive personalities, and individuals who will keep it real, they speak the words I need when life just seems like it’s spiraling out of control.

Finally, the crazy is exclusively for those who see my heart in full transparency. There are no secrets between us because we’ve been through it all. They hear the unfiltered stories about my insecurities, see the heightened emotions, and experience the moments that leave me feeling debilitated. There is no judgment among us because everything is exposed. Some say you can never be 100% your true self with anyone, but I disagree. The very few people in my life who are able to witness the ugliness of my heart that manifests through words and actions are the ones who see my true self. In a romantic relationship, this is where we decide that only death will do us part. (I’m still single, so no man’s made it this far yet.) This type of relationship takes an enormous amount of trust, patience, and discipline because of the level of vulnerability involved. But if we make it to those point, where all the crazy hangs out, we will be together forever.

They hear the unfiltered stories about my insecurities, see the heightened emotions, and experience the moments that leave me feeling debilitated.

— Ethleen Sawyerr

Now, there are sub-categories, but we won’t get into them. Some in my life might experience the first two categories, not the last. Others may only be granted access to one. The point is that, much like in a relationship, we’re not supposed to rush to give ourselves away to just anyone. Instead, we take our time to learn each other until we’re comfortable letting the other into our complex world.

Fellow navigator, have you ever stopped to consider who you allow to celebrate your victories, walk with you through the valleys, and see your true self? What is it about those people that makes them worthy of your trust to journey with you in those moments? If you don’t place yourself into such broad categories, how do you define relationship boundaries? Tell me about it!

See Me: Defiantly Single (pt. 2)

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Can I be brutally honest for a minute?

If you ask me why I’m defiantly single, I’d say it’s because I fear choosing the wrong partner. Yes, I believe in God. Of course, I trust that He will confirm the man He desires me to be with in more than one way. Yes, I have a community of trusted people who will step in if they believe the man I want isn’t deserving of me. While I recognize that all of these safeguards are in place, there’s a part of me that thinks it’s still not enough.

Let’s be real. How many times have we heard of stories where a God-fearing woman married a God-fearing man and ended up dead or in jail because that man was a wolf? For those who don’t understand the reference, Matthew 7:15 talks about false prophets appearing as wolves in sheep’s clothing. Don’t get me wrong, men aren’t the only perpetrators. There are women who fake it, too. The point is that people may pretend to be charming, humble, and just about everything we desire in a spouse—that is, until after the wedding day.

I don’t mean to be a cynic. Because I believe marriage is a beautiful thing, I want to trust that mine will be all I’ve ever hoped for and more. But I have come to terms with my reality that I’ve made poor choices in the past. My sister (in Christ) will tell you that, after years of listening to my “boy stories,” I’m drawn to fixer-uppers. That is, the men with potential who don’t seem to be doing much with themselves. Looking past the physical, I pay more attention to the possibility of what a man can become (with the right woman by his side). I egg him on when he talks about his lofty dreams, even though he doesn’t take any steps toward accomplishing them. I support him when he makes otherwise reckless decisions, although I don’t agree with them. I praise him when he excels in one unrelated area, despite making no progress in the things that get him closer to reaching his goals.

When I think about it, I have been just as complicit in the failure of these past relationships because I ignored the obvious warning signs and chose to believe my own narrative, not what was in front of my face all along. Why? I don’t know. I wasn’t blinded by love—not even close. It’s not that I didn’t know my worth. I think I just got too caught up to want to do anything about it—but that’s a different post.

I thank God for my sister being truthful and telling me about myself because she saved me a lot of wasted hours, days, weeks, and months remaining with someone who didn’t deserve me. I wish more of us would do that for those we love. Yes, the person may get angry and not speak to us for a little while. But, I believe, they will eventually realize the error of their ways to see that we acted out of love.

Ok, back to the issue at hand. I stated in a previous post that I don’t believe my generation views marriage through the same lens as those who came before. Somehow, we’ve accepted the notion that a lifelong commitment is not something worth entering into with anyone. For me, thinking about being with someone for the rest of my life sounds lovely, but it’s also really scary if that man wakes up and decides he’s going to become someone completely different. That’s one of the reasons I don’t believe in putting up a front in the getting-to-know-each-other phase. I want my potential suitor to see the good, bad, and crazy from the get-go. That also sounds like it might be a future blog post.

But I have come to terms with my reality that I’ve made poor choices in the past.

— Ethleen Sawyerr

Although I’m afraid of picking the wrong person to spend the rest of my life with, fellow navigator, I still welcome the thought of marriage with open arms. I trust that my parents have raised me well enough to know what I should and shouldn’t accept. I believe I’ve seen enough couples succeed at married life, despite the obstacles that were in their way. I rest assured that God speaks to me in ways others may not understand, so He will prevent me from choosing a spouse who will not honor Him. I am confident in the fact that my intuition is almost always on point (when I listen to it) and will go off like a bullhorn if I’m about to make a mistake.

Fellow navigator, there’s an amount of risk involved in getting married. It requires a level of vulnerability and trust that you’ve chosen someone who will love, honor, and cherish you until death. That’s heavy. Be honest, are you like me? Do you choose to remain defiantly single because the thought of possibly picking the wrong person troubles you? Tell me about it!

See Me: Before Walking Away

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Really? you didn’t see it coming?

It’s taken a lot for me to get to a place where I’m confident in who I am and what I bring to the table. That’s why it’s so easy for me to walk away from a man who doesn’t value me. It’s not that I’m some callous woman who entered the relationship with the intent of breaking his heart. No, I didn’t mean to start something I couldn’t finish. The truth is that somewhere along the way we lost ourselves. I’d most likely sat around watching and waiting for him to step up and treat me the way I deserved, but he never did.

While I don’t speak for all women, I can say that it takes quite a bit of messing up on a man’s part to get me to walk away. It’s not a decision I take lightly because, to some degree, it means accepting that I also played a role in the failed relationship. Walking away also means that I made the wrong choice. Maybe I was too infatuated by his captivating looks, intellect, or witty humor to see that we were incompatible from the start.

Regardless of the rationale for getting into the relationship, walking away is a step that indicates my desire for more. Yes, me walking away means that I wanted more. More of his time, affection, attention, and respect. Oftentimes I hear conversations about women who are portrayed as heartless individuals because they walked away. Their intentions are called into question, and the men (usually) in the group get upset and wonder if the women ever expressed their unhappiness in the relationship.

After kissing some frogs, I’ve learned to be upfront about what I need from my romantic partner to make the relationship work. As a result, I have no problem telling a man I’m interested in or dating how I receive love. I do it for two reasons. First, I want him to know what makes me happy. Second, past experience has taught me that I’m not the most communicative when I’m about to check out from a relationship. If I’m upfront with this man about some of my quirks, he can at least know what signs to look out for. Maybe I’m doing the most, but I don’t want a man to say that I didn’t give the relationship my all. As someone who’s been accused of being a workaholic, too busy for a relationship, and a slew of other things, I want the person I’m with to know I’m going into the relationship intent on making it work.

I’ve read tons of articles about why women walk away from relationships. I’m not proud to admit this, but I am definitely guilty of walking away once my threshold for nonsense has been crossed. Yes, it really exists. What’s the fastest way of losing me? Ignoring me. That’s it.

After kissing some frogs, I’ve learned to be upfront about what I need from my romantic partner to make the relationship work.

— Ethleen Sawyerr

I understand busy. I lead a pretty busy life at times, too. But I am capable of carving a few minutes or hours to spend exclusively with the one I’m with. Whether we’re texting throughout the day or talking on the phone before going to bed, that is his time. I make sure to do what I need to on my end to give him my undivided attention. That’s what I expect from him in return.

When we go days without speaking, I feel like I don’t matter. When he sends a good morning text and is silent for the rest of the day, I begin to question my worth in his eyes. When I tell him I miss hearing his voice and he continues the conversation as if I hadn’t just poured my heart out to him, I feel like a fool. It is at that exact moment that the walls around my heart begin to go back up and my mind starts to rationalize life without him.

It’s not that he’s a bad man—he just isn’t the one for me. I promised myself a long time ago that I would not beg a man for his attention. If he doesn’t give it willingly, knowing that that is one of the few things I ask of him, then I know he isn’t for me. No, fellow navigator, the man God has for me will understand the importance of this ask and strive to please me in that area. Even when he’s had a long hard day, he’ll pick up the phone and spend a few minutes with me before calling it a night.

Fellow navigator, what’s the final straw that causes you to walk away from a relationship? Do you give the one you’re with advance notice before you leave? After leaving, have you ever looked back and regretted your decision? Tell me about it!

See Me: Not the Same, Know My Name

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To the Next Man Who Captures My Heart: An Open Letter

I’m sorry I made you jump through so many hoops, but I needed to make sure you were willing to work for my heart. I say that only because men before you have pranced around and behaved as though they could handle a woman like me. As you look around and see that you’re the only one standing, it means they failed in their follow-through. In the process, believe me that I stopped to ask myself what made you different. Was it because you refused to allow me to push you away? Or maybe it was because you were patient and gave me the space I needed to work through my mess?

Regardless of how you became the last man standing, know that you are now the recipient of a love that will fight for us. I am prepared to honor, respect, and cherish you. Although we hope and will work toward a love that leads to marriage and a beautiful God-fearing family, anything can happen in this life. Despite all of that, you are the only man I see. There may be others who try to make themselves known, but they will always be in the background as you take center stage.

Only you!

When we met, there were many misunderstandings. We struggled with being vulnerable with each other because past hurts from relationships made us guarded. Though we never talked about it until later in our relationship, neither of us wanted to give up on the other because this time it felt different. When I try to explain it to others, I’m at a loss for words because I can’t. There was something about you; I wanted to see where things would lead.

Even when you annoyed me and made me want to tear my hair out, I couldn’t get myself to completely walk away. There were times when I turned my back on you, but you followed me and showed me why I should stay. There are many uncertainties on the path we’re on, but I know that I’ll be ok with you by my side.

Let’s do this!

You are not my savior; you are my partner. You support me when I feel like giving up. You cheer me up when I’m sad. You tell me I’m awesome when the world tries to beat me up. You defend me when others question my abilities. You endorse me in public, regardless of what others may think. For all these reasons (and more), I gladly (and proudly) call you mine.

There are many uncertainties on the path we’re on, but I know that I’ll be ok with you by my side.

— Ethleen Sawyerr

It is now my turn to speak some things to you. I am not her. I will never try to be her, nor do I ever want to be her. I won’t ever resent her for all she put you through. I’m sorry that it led to heartache and feeling like you were unworthy, but that made you so much stronger. The harsh reality is that, if she hadn’t completely been blind to the amazing man you are, you wouldn’t know how to recognize the one who would when she stares you in your beautiful eyes.

The truth is, I’m grateful to her. Because she couldn’t see all you could be, she gave up and left. It wasn’t that you were without vision, ambition, or goals; she just wasn’t the one meant to accompany you on the way to where all that’s in you leads. Who knows why God allows things to happen the way they do. Oftentimes, in the midst of what seem like horrible storms of life, we wake up to realize we were actually spared from what could have been worse. The growth you experienced while with her makes you an even better man for me because you see me and understand my worth. As much as I hate to admit it, she made you a better man.

You just weren’t meant to stop there.

We’ve been through some hard times and made it out on the other side. After all of that, I can’t possibly abandon you. As your number one fan, I promise to do all I can to encourage you on your way to the top. I’ll stand by your side when everyone else says it’s impossible. I’ll show up and be the loudest one in the crowd when you prove them wrong. From the time we met until now, I’ve seen your character, and you’ve seen mine. At the end of the day, all I can say is that she and I are not the same, know my name.

Fellow navigator, do you know how you are in romantic relationships? Do you test your prospective partner until he proves he’s deserving of you? What would you want the one who dares to stick around when everyone else has left to know? Tell me about it!

See Me: Defiantly Single

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trailblazer? Me? No, Thank you.

Almost everything in my world seems to scream that marriage is the natural next phase of life. Do you understand where I’m coming from? To say I’m living this single life on my own terms would capture my sentiments perfectly. Trailblazer? Me? No, thank you. I just reject the notion that I can’t be happy at 30 if I don’t have a man.

In a recent conversation with a friend, we discussed our realities and why marriage is not on the table for me at the moment. Although my friend is married, our dialogue proved fruitful in getting to the root of this whole I’m-cool-with-not-being-married thing. By the way, I totally encourage you to have similar conversations with your married friends because it appears that they forget what life was like before someone put a ring on it. It’s not their fault; they just become blinded by love.

Lost in his eyes!

Probably the biggest reason I’m perfectly content being single until God decides to do something about it is because, real talk, the divorce rates these days are beyond nuts. How did we, as a society, get to the point where we are fine with marriages ending left and right for the most minor infraction?

Hear me clearly, fellow navigator, I am not saying any woman should stay in a marriage where some dude (because he’s not worthy to be called a “man”) abuses her in any way, shape, or form. I’m talking about relationships where we just wake up one day and decide we don’t want to be together. In my opinion, because I’m sharing life from my perspective, marriage is too sacred to be entered into lightly. If I’m going to stand before God, my family, and a bunch of friends to boldly declare that I’ll be with a man “until death do us part,” best believe I will work my hardest to honor those vows. On the flip side, if my husband ever steps out or abuses me in any way, shape, or form, best believe I’m gone without so much as a letter or text explaining my actions.

These men aren’t perfect, but they consistently consider their wives before they consider themselves.

— Ethleen Sawyerr

This brings me to my first point: marriage isn’t taken as seriously as days passed. In my book, Defiant! Redefining Singleness at 30+, I share about being a single woman navigating life and some of the issues I face regularly. I mention the topic of marriage because we’re sending the wrong message to younger generations. Order a copy from my website if you want to read more.

Now that we’ve got that shameless plug out of the way, let’s get back to the issue at hand. If I’m honest, after the initial feelings of joy of meeting a potential love interest wear off, my mind goes to figuring out if this is someone I want. Will he stay and fight for the relationship? I watch his character, pay attention to his words, and listen to hear the slightest hint of someone who is fickle, not serious, or untrustworthy. Am I being harsh? Probably. Do I care? No.

Got that right!

When you’ve grown up with the kind of models of husbands who fear God and strive to love their wives as Christ loves the Church as I have, you see what a godly man looks like. These men aren’t perfect, but they consistently consider their wives before they consider themselves. Sometimes that means the man swallows his pride to do something he doesn’t want to, and other times it means his wife coming back to him and apologizing for some action that was uncalled for.

Can I tell you something? I’ve been told in confidence by married friends that they were on the verge of divorce for reasons outside of infidelity and abuse, but both parties surrendered the union to God and sought counsel from qualified professionals. Why bring this up? Because I don’t know if this happens with younger people, which is why I’m concerned about the ridiculously high divorce rate.

Yes, there are many factors that contribute to a marriage dissolving, but we need to start talking about the challenges of marriage beforehand instead making it out to be this idealistic union. A marriage can never be perfect, no matter what those of us on the outside think, because it’s two imperfect people becoming one. Outside of the grace of God, there’s no way that combination ends in perfection. Let’s do ourselves a favor and stop looking to marriage to make our lives worth living.

‘Til death do us part.

Fellow navigator, I think we should end here for today. As I sit at my desk, I realize there’s so much more I’d like to say about the reasons behind choosing to be defiantly single. I think this will become a series to highlight some of the realities of how marriage looks to me, a single woman who has never been in that union. You may not always agree with my views, but I’d love to hear your thoughts! Are you as perplexed by the current divorce rate as I am? Let me know!

See Me: A Terrible Case of Insecurity

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Insecurity is like a plague

It takes a woman who is truly self-aware to admit to having bouts of insecurity every once in a while. You know who she is. You see her all the time. She walks around with her head held high; she isn’t afraid to speak her mind. When she enters a room, all eyes shift to her because she commands attention everywhere she goes. Everyone wants to know her opinion because they value her contribution. Based on what you see, this woman has it all together. She’s a boss babe who slays at everything she does. Not only are her outfits and hair are always on point, but she’s poised and articulate.

Get it, girl!

By all accounts, she is who every woman aspires to be in life. Yet, she carries a secret that, if exposed, would make her appear just as real as the rest of us. This woman, the one we idolize and want to emulate, has moments where her mental health crumbles. Out of nowhere, after weeks and months of living her best life, a word or comment causes her to spiral into a state of insecurity. She suddenly begins to grow silent and secludes herself into a corner. When asked for her opinion, she stumbles over finding the right words. Something about her is off; she’s not who you’re used to seeing. She calls everything into question because she wonders if any of it was ever real.

It takes a woman who is truly self-aware to admit to having bouts of insecurity every once in a while.

— Ethleen Sawyerr

Insecurity is that annoying whisper that you’re not good enough. It’s the loud voice blaring words of self-doubt and disappointment. Insecurity can break even the toughest woman and make her feel like she is not enough. Its impact can be so strong that is causes her to throw her hands up in the air and give up on everything she’s ever worked for. She dare not speak to anyone about her thoughts of insecurity – how she questions almost every decision she makes – because then the world will know that she’s not who she presents herself to be.

When lies are louder than the truth

Although this woman doesn’t exist, there are pieces of her in all of us. I see myself in her when I step back or hide my brilliance and talents to appear less threatening. For as long as I can remember, I’ve always been told that I’m intimating. This notion had absolutely nothing to do with me; rather, it had everything to do with how that individual viewed herself compared to me. While I never asked this person to try to be like me, she felt the need to do this. At the end of the day, she revealed her own insecurities when she disclosed her disdain for me. Little did she know that projecting her insecurities onto me led me down my own rabbit hole of lies and untruths.

The thing about insecurity is that it can go both ways. Oftentimes, the one who feels insecure switches up her behavior so suddenly or severely that it’s quite obvious to others (including the one who unknowingly caused the offense). Eventually, that individual becomes uncomfortable and exhibits her own form of insecurity. The cycle will continue until we put an end to it.

It ends today

Fellow navigator, are you guilty of projecting your insecurities onto another? If you could go back, how would you handle the situation differently? Leave a comment below!

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See Me: For the Record

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Not Gonna Beg for Your Time and Attention

It was not ok for him to beg to be inserted into my life and interrupt my regular flow only to neglect me by withholding his time and attention once I allowed him in.

— Ethleen Sawyerr

I’ve often heard it said that men enjoy the chase when it comes to relationships. A man will put every shred of effort into pursuing a woman until she acquiesces to giving him a chance. Once she no longer becomes a prize to win and her heart is committed to him, he settles into his usual routine and the grand gestures end. As a result, some women prolong the chase to ensure that the man puts in enough work and doesn’t get lazy in the pursuit.

While many of the modern dating guides and relationship gurus encourage women to flip the script and take back control of this all-too-common behavior, I just don’t have the time and energy to spend hours and days on end going out of my way to make a man think I’m not interested when I really am. More than that, I skip the dance and let a man know some of my basic expectations once I develop interest because I know who I am and what I want at this point in life. Some men complain that women are difficult to read and never say what they mean, yet so many guys fail to listen attentively even when we state our requests. Here’s my unofficial rule: I make my wishes and desires known once. If no change is made, I give my heart permission to drift.

Time to move on

Recently, I met a man I was only slightly attracted to. In complete honesty, this man would have never even crossed my radar as a potential romantic interest because he didn’t come anywhere close to being someone I would consider myself compatible with. However, I was open to seeing where things would go because he seemed sincere in his pursuit. We came to a point where the amount of effort he placed in maintaining consistent communication significantly dwindled, so I told him in a very frank manner just how I felt. He appeared to receive my concerns in the moment, but his later actions communicated something completely different.

In a span of one week, I went from being open to giving this man a chance to allowing him to fall several rungs down my priority ladder. It was not ok for him to beg to be inserted into my life and interrupt my regular flow only to neglect me by withholding his time and attention once I allowed him in. I was fine doing my own thing before he came along, and I won’t play his little mind games. Whether he realizes it or not, that’s what they are. Men who completely give up the chase to keep a woman’s heart after she’s opened it to him cause a woman to quickly wake up and realize that they are undeserving of her love.

If you think you deserve better, it’s probably because you do.

My loyalty and devotion come at a high price: a man’s time and attention. I don’t need costly gifts or empty words and promises in a romantic relationship; I only long to feel like an important part of a man’s life. If he has time to faithfully go to the gym and hang out with his bros, then he is more than capable of giving me at least 30 minutes of his undivided attention daily. Period.

What do you think about the value of your time and attention? Have you found yourself in a similar situation? Share your thoughts below!

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