Monthly Archives: October 2020

Not I: Pretending to Have Everything Together?

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The last few weeks have been hectic, to say the least. I’ve felt like I’ve had to juggle a million responsibilities while maintaining my cool. Some years ago, I would have deprived myself of insane amounts of sleep, become strung out on coffee, and literally burned the proverbial midnight oil every single evening just to finish my work.

Now, I’ve learned to swallow my pride and admit that I’m imperfectly human. When I mess up and overbook myself, I tell the person who I have to break plans with the truth about what happened. I email clients and keep the lines of communication open if I know I won’t meet an editing deadline. I call clients the minute the GPS says I’m going to be more than five minutes late to an appointment. To me, informing the other person even a little bit ahead of time is better than trying to pretend like I can do it all when I can’t.

“I’ve learned to swallow my pride and admit that I’m imperfectly human.”

The same goes for my emotional state of being. I used to bottle everything up inside and never let people into my world. If someone did something that bothered me, I didn’t speak to them directly the moment the infraction occurred. If I was overlooked, I didn’t rectify the situation. If I had good news that I wanted to share, I kept it to myself and wondered why no one celebrated with me. Granted, the last one doesn’t happen often, but that’s not the point.

In general, when it came to my feelings, I kept my mouth closed. Those days are gone. Although I’m not quick to speak up, I have learned to establish safe spaces in specific relationships where I share my feelings openly and honestly. At times, it takes the other person acknowledging that things between us have changed, but I try to do my part.

I don’t want to go back to the life where I pretend like I have it all together when I’m crumbling inside. There’s freedom in allowing people to see my imperfections so that they don’t put me on a pedestal. I don’t want to be someone’s idea of perfect because, eventually, I will do something to ruin that notion. Instead, I just want to be me.

“Don’t put me on a pedestal.”

Reflecting on these things now, I recognize that I took some of my “pretender tendencies” into past relationships. This probably also explains why I did my best to openly display my flaws and quirks early on in my most recent relationship. My walls went up when something was done that bothered me. I kept him at arm’s length and refused to tell him what he did to make me become so cold. In the end, as I continued living in my own bubble, he gave up trying to reach me. The relationship ended shortly after that. After the last time this happened, I promised myself that I would do better. I would be better.

When I think about it, I can’t put all the blame on myself. One of the things that hit home was that relationships require two people putting forth their best to make things work. Simply put, not everyone will think I’m worth fighting for. Conversely, not every man I date is necessarily worth me expending copious amounts of time and energy to please and appease. Rather, fellow navigator, I believe a time will come when I will meet a man whose very essence will draw me in. It won’t be just any connection; this one will be real.

I see it happening almost like a magnetized force pulling us together. No matter how our words or actions hurt the other person, we will still come back together and try to make things work. It won’t be because we can’t live without each other. No, it’ll be because we see something in the other that we’ve never seen in anyone else before.

What do you think, fellow navigator? Are you walking around like you have it all together? When was the last time you embraced your beautifully imperfect self? Tell me about it!

Dear Navigator, This is the Kind of Love I Want

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I’m not seeking perfection, but…

Once upon a time, I wanted it all. I sought success, wealth, notoriety, and all things luxurious. My idea of love was being with a man who could take care of me financially and pamper me with the finer things in life. We’d drive luxury cars that would make people stop and stare. Our primary home would be like something only found in magazines. I decided our happiness would be based on how many things we possessed, including vacation homes around the world.

It took a chance meeting with someone to open my eyes to see what love really looked like. Although our relationship never evolved into anything romantic, he showed me that there was more to life than a six or seven-figure salary. Simple acts of care and consideration took the spotlight as he made sure my basic needs were met. When I was cold, he offered his sweater. When I was hungry, he fed me. When I was tired, he let me sleep in his bed. Value was placed on the mental stimulation he offered me, as well as the time and attention he gave me.

Our friendship eventually came to an end due to distance and choice of differing paths. Nevertheless, from that single friendship, I embarked on a journey to find out the kind of love I wanted.

I want the kind of love that makes me feel safe to express myself openly and honestly. A love where I’m comfortable asking questions, regardless of how ridiculous, stupid, or embarrassing they may be.

I want the kind of love that listens to me attentively. A love where, despite how nonsensical the topic may be, I can speak and feel heard.

I want the kind of love that tells me I’m beautiful even when I’m at my worst. A love where I’m made to feel desirable on days when I want to hide my hair under a hat and wear baggy clothes to mask the bloating.

I want the kind of love that fights for us when I don’t have the strength to continue. A love where we can come together after an argument and calmly discuss our viewpoints, without casting blame or pointing fingers.

I want the kind of love that sees me for me. A love that doesn’t compare me to former lovers or make me feel inferior for not measuring up to another.

I want the kind of love that honors God. A love where we grow together in a relationship that pleases Him.

Value was placed on the mental stimulation he offered me, as well as the time and attention he gave me.

It’s crazy to think about this sometimes. The friend previously mentioned was the catalyst to bringing about all of these realizations. My journey has been filled with loves that never offered me everything I desired, but each one taught me something valuable about myself and my heart. One taught me to never downplay my intelligence. Another showed me that a relationship cannot last when critical information is withheld from the other. Still another taught me that the lack of mental stimulation will lead to resentment and unhappiness.

Now, my list is not exhaustive. I’ve left room for many other things to be added. But, when I think about what I really desire from someone in order to feel cared for, I recognize that it’s less about money and material possessions. The things of this world will eventually fade away. People can get to the point where they’ve amassed so much wealth that they no longer know what to do with themselves.

Fellow navigator, learning about our specific needs in a romantic relationship might take kissing a few frogs to discover what we don’t deserve. It could also mean spending extensive periods of time in deep introspection. If you had to pen the kind of love you want, what would be on your list? Tell me about it!

Ready or Not: Pay Those Taxes and Move On

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“Getting my first job was a sign of independence.”

I don’t know about you, but I remember the months leading up to my 16th birthday and how excited I was to finally be able to get a job. My first job. I had no complaints because I worked with children in a daycare. Those precious babies gave me such joy during the time I worked there. Regardless of what was going on with the adults or someone’s constant need to go on a power trip, I could always count on the children to be full of light, love, and positivity.

For me, getting my first job was a sign of independence. While I could still pester my father to cover the cost of larger expenses, I was able to pay for things on my own. If I wanted to go to the mall with my friends, all I needed to worry about was getting a ride to one of the several options near our town. It was a great feeling being able to pay for my own things…most of the time. Reflecting on that period of my life, it was pretty great. My parents didn’t ask me to contribute to bills or use my salary to pay for anything—my money was mine. Outside of paying my tithe and sending funds to my sponsored child, everything I earned remained in my bank account. Well, almost everything.

This brings me to today’s topic: taxes. Fellow navigator, I get it. Taxes are the bane of many people’s existence. I mean, we go to work and put in our time just to turn around and have the government say they want a piece of our earnings. I don’t think I would mind as much if I actually saw where my tax dollars went. The problem is that just about every other month or so news breaks about people misappropriating funds or companies getting contracts to develop a city and not finishing the job.

Despite my personal feelings when it comes to paying taxes, I do it anyway. Why? Because, after 20+ years of living in this country, I’ve learned that you do not mess with Uncle Sam. Yup. That’s it. That’s the post for today. The state and federal governments are not to be toyed with. They want their money, and they want it when they say they should get it. If you fail to file taxes by April 15th, the government has no problem bringing down the full weight of its power and hitting you with ridiculous fees until you pay them what you owe.

What’s the solution to avoiding all of the mayhem that could potentially come your way? Pay your taxes. I’ve been fortunate enough that I’ve never actually had to do my taxes myself. While I don’t think it is a difficult task, I find it to be one of those things that I would rather leave in the hands of a professional. With that said, if you are not in a position to hire a CPA to take care of your taxes, there are alternatives.

“I’ve learned that you do not mess with Uncle Sam.”

TurboTax and H&R Block are two giants in this space that offer software programs that make doing your taxes easy. Now, let’s be clear, these programs are ideal if you are not necessarily looking to exhaust all possible deductions and are willing to do a little bit of outside research to fully understanding that you’re not just plugging in numbers. If you’re not the organized type or don’t care to take a day or two to sit down and navigate the portals, the programs may not be for you. With that said, the price tag for one of these software programs is a lot more palatable than paying an accountant several hundreds of dollars.

Whether we like it or not, taxes are here to stay. Unless you want the government coming after you or living a life where your existence is unknown, the best thing to do is to just give them their portion of your earnings and be done with it. Honestly report what you make and how much you owe because the last thing you want is to be audited—a post for another day.

Fellow navigator, how do you feel about paying taxes? Do you do your taxes yourself (with the help of a software program), or do you pay an accountant to handle it for you? Tell me about it!

See Me: Why I’m Still Single After College

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Answering an Age-Old Question

Back in undergrad, it was not unusual for me to return home for break and get asked about my dating life. In fact, it was almost always the question posed by some church ladies who seemed to know something I didn’t. Well, it turns out they really did! Apparently, college was (and probably still is) the best time to try and land yourself a man.

While my previous comment is made in jest, I’ve found that there might be some truth to it. I mean, think about it. During your undergrad years, you’re typically away from home and allowed to reinvent yourself into the person you want to be. You can experiment with your sexuality, explore new interests, and see how you function while not under the watchful eye of mom and dad. Honestly, it’s during your college years that you find out who you are and what you’re made of.

If it’s true that you discover who you are during undergrad, then it makes total sense that a relationship formed at this time could potentially last forever. Right? I mean, you’re both being your true selves and figuring life out as you go. There’s no need for pretenses because you have nothing to hide since all the cards are on the proverbial table.

After thinking long and hard about this, I wondered why I hadn’t maximized my college years to meet my Mr. Right. For all I know, he could’ve been the guy in my English lit class or a panelist at one of the business conferences I attended. We could’ve gone to the same embassy networking events or been at the National Mall at the same time. Why hadn’t I put in the energy required to stick my head out of my books to take notice of the tall, beautiful, educated Black men around me?

Well, fellow navigator, I didn’t do any of those things because I was, you know, getting an education. Although I had a pretty decent social life during undergrad, the majority of my time was spent focused on my studies. I mean, I wasn’t going to college to catch a man. I was going to college to learn and set myself up for a bright future filled with endless possibilities.

Knowing what I know about myself now, I think getting into a serious relationship during undergrad would’ve been detrimental because I would have lost focus. My life would have centered around that man and his happiness; I would not have put much thought into pursuing my own goals. Why do I say that? Because that tends to be what happens. While this is not the case for everyone, I find that women often make more compromises in relationships when it comes to careers. We’re the ones who get pregnant and carry a baby in our stomachs for months at a time. We’re expected to go on maturity leave to raise that child. We tend to earn less, so we end up taking a back seat as our spouses climb the professional career ladders. If this is not true for you, then more power to you.

During my single years, I have been afforded opportunities to do things I never thought I could or would. There have been no compromises made on my end, except for the things that I, and I alone, have chosen not to do or involve myself in. I have come into my own as a woman who knows what she wants, who she is, and where she desires to be in life. Why am I still single? Because I want to be.

If I’m completely honest, while it’s been difficult at times returning to an empty home, I wouldn’t trade the experiences I’ve had for marriage. Meaning, if I knew it would take 30+ years without a spouse for me to become who I am now, I’d willingly tell God to let me live my life solo. I know that the man I end up with will see value and beauty in all I have gone through and have to contribute to our relationship. I know he will appreciate my strong sense of self-awareness. I’m confident he will realize that the woman he sees and loves would not be who she is without all she has gone through.

I have come into my own as a woman who knows what she wants, who she is, and where she desires to be in life.

— Ethleen Sawyerr

So, to answer the age-old question, I’m still single because I’m living my life as I should. When the right man comes into the picture, that could all change. But, until then, I will continue to do what makes me happy and feel fulfilled. My spouse is meant to complement, not complete, me. What about you, fellow navigator? How do you respond when people ask you why you’re still single? Tell me about it!