Monthly Archives: September 2020

Mental Musings: Discovering Him While Discovering Me

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Just about everything I thought I knew has been shaken.

Looking past the exterior to see him.

It happened again. I allowed my emotions to get the best of me. Although I’d promised myself that I would be more understanding, patient, and objective this time around, I failed. My expectations were set extremely high, so it was easy for him to disappoint.

These thoughts raced through my mind as I replayed all that’s taken place between him and me. Although this is an all-too familiar scenario, I pride myself on the fact that I’ve become faster at recognizing the signs and taking steps to rectify the situation.

In the past, I didn’t pay too much attention to him and his feelings. Selfishly, I was more concerned about my own feelings and all the areas where he fell short. Now, at 30+, I’ve matured and fully recognize that he is not the tough Adonis fairy tales make him out to be. No, he is tender and fragile. He is insecure and feels the pressure when he cannot provide for himself or those he loves. He questions whether he truly makes me happy. He fears losing me.

There are many other attributes I can add to the list, but I think the point is crystal clear. Men are not emotionless creatures. Although they aren’t as expressive as many of us women are, they have feelings, too. They withdraw when we yell and bicker. They retreat when we question their manhood. They cower when we express our doubts about their abilities to succeed.

If I’m honest, I probably didn’t start allowing myself to see these things about men until I was across the country living and working without friends or family nearby. At the time, the relationship seemed like it was good. However, things quickly took a turn as his true colors began to show. Fellow navigator, abuse comes in many forms. I knew it was unhealthy when the light that shined so brightly within me reduced to a tiny flickering flame ready to go out. I thank God for His unfailing love and the prayer warriors He placed in my path until that time. What seemed like the end of me miraculously transformed into a world of possibilities. I thought I’d reached the end of my rope, but God had other plans.

Selfishly, I was more concerned about my own feelings and all the areas where he fell short.

— Ethleen Sawyerr

Why did I go on that seemingly random tangent? It’s to simply show that I found myself in a place where I could honestly say that I questioned men and their intentions. As a result, I guarded my heart tightly and vowed to keep potential suitors at a distance for years. That is, until one man entered the picture. He was kind, charming, and genuinely interested in knowing me. We spoke for hours about everything under the sun, yet it seemed like there was always something more to learn.

We had a special bond that I cherished dearly, but we were only friends. In fact, neither of us dared to approach the topic of asking whether we could be more. That was fine by me because a genuine friendship was about all I could handle in the beginning. However, in the midst of learning more about each other, feelings began to develop. Miscommunication happened often as we navigated our friendship, but we always seemed to get right back on track.

The situation referenced when the post began surrounded our biggest argument. This was the one where things could have ended for good. Ordinarily, I wouldn’t care so much about what went down with any man because the walls around my heart would just go back up. But, for some strange reason, this time was different. I was different.

There was something about him that made me want to fight. I couldn’t figure it out, and I couldn’t let him go. He was not the wealthiest, funniest, or most intelligent man I had ever encountered in life. But, regardless of these things, he genuinely cared about my well-being, was hardworking, and made time for me. There was just one thing: he was not mine. Well, he was just a friend.

Friends. That’s what we agreed we were. Of course, the depth of the relationship went beyond the surface. We’d gotten past talking about our favorite meals, hobbies, and future goals. This was new territory because the feelings were strong, but I was initially unwilling to take the risk and deep dive into a relationship.

Fellow navigator, have you ever been in this type of situation? Think back to the moment you realized you actually could spend forever with that one man. What brought you to that point? Did you allow past hurts to keep you from new possibilities? Tell me about it!

Not I: The Ideal Woman?

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Let’s take a minute to discuss our flaws. It may seem a little odd to start a post this way, but I need you to allow me to explain. Growing up, I took it upon myself to try to be as perfect as possible. Well, sort of. I pursued academics with all I had within me because that was a world I understood. Not too concerned about those around me, I joined clubs, participated in other extracurricular activities, and volunteered in my community. The aim was not to get into an Ivy League school, but it was at the same time. I enjoyed studying, clubs, and volunteering. If those things just so happened to be what the top universities looked for, then it was a win-win.

“Growing up, I took it upon myself to try to be as perfect as possible.”

It was probably in high school that I began to see myself as different from my peers. The distinction was noticeable—not bad—just noticeable. I enjoyed serving at the local soup kitchen and taking part in charity walks on the weekends. It was easy to get so engrossed in a novel that half my day was spent reading about fictitious people in faraway lands. What’s more, I found satisfaction going to church and rehearsing for an upcoming skit instead of planning what I would wear to a party. In those days, my priorities were different. I was different.

The thought of becoming a “perfect woman” didn’t enter my mind until college. While on the grounds of Howard University, I could be any person I wanted to be. College was the time to reinvent myself. I could go by a different name, switch up my personality completely, or fake a backstory about being from an exotic country (accent included). The point is that the possibilities were endless once I set foot on that college campus. Nevertheless, while some minor things changed, I still basically remained the same. The biggest difference? My desire to achieve perfectionism reached its peak.

“College was the time to reinvent myself.”

I sought to become the kind of woman a man couldn’t resist. I desired the lifestyle of international travel, dinners with dignitaries, and more than enough money in my bank account. Like a shapeshifter, I found myself conforming to what I believed would appeal to my love interest at the time. Has that ever happened to you, fellow navigator? To read more, I talk about it in my book. The constant twisting and bending left me feeling like I had no identity. To be even more transparent, I felt like my identity was closely connected to my crush of the week.

After college, everything changed. Again, I changed. It was not until an event led to me abandoning many of my worldly possessions that I realized what was most important. Instead of trying to be the ideal woman, I pursued God with all I had within me. More than just going to church almost every day of the week, I spent time in intimate prayer and Bible study. It dawned on me that the ideal woman is one who finds her value in God. Eventually, I’ll have to part with my money and the things of this world. But, when it’s all said and done, my soul will have to spend eternity somewhere.

Fellow navigator, I no longer desire to be anyone’s ideal woman. It’s taken some time, but I’ve come to a place where I am content being me. Upon entering a dating relationship, I make my flaws and imperfections known. Sometimes, my strong sense of self-awareness leaves the other party taken aback, but I’m not concerned. I’m tired of wearing a mask—tired of the show we so often put on to get someone to like us. Yes, this approach has blown up in my face and caused a few men to turn around and leave quickly. However, the one who stays will be worth it.

What do you say we stop with the charade? I’m not suggesting we lay all our cards out on the proverbial table the very minute we meet someone of interest. Rather, I’m saying let’s be intentional about showing our real selves to those we encounter who we believe could be good life partners. Fellow navigator, do you play a role when around a dating prospect? Did you end up showing your true self? How did that unveiling go? Tell me about it!

Dear Navigator, Temptation is Real…Like, Really Real

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I recently heard a sermon about David’s fall at the hands of a woman.

That’s not exactly how the preacher put it, but it’s essentially what he was saying. David, a man after God’s own heart, stumbled and fell because he desired something he couldn’t have: another man’s wife. David, a king with hundreds of thousands ready to die for him, faltered because of one thing: another man’s wife. What does this chapter in the book of his life teach us? I take from it two things. First, he’s human. Second, temptation is all too real.

Have you ever stopped to think about the fact that no one is above being tempted? Even Jesus, the Son of God, was faced with moments when he could have simply given into what Satan was offering him (food, power, and riches). Can we stop and take this in for a minute? Lucifer went so far as to try to get Jesus, the Lamb of God, to forsake his own Father. If that doesn’t put things into perspective about the power of temptation and the lengths at which Satan will go to deceive us, I don’t know what will.

Now, Jesus had just come off a fast. (Read Matthew 4 for the full story!). He was weak, and food would have been great. Nevertheless, he resists the devil’s advances and responds with Bible verses. Three times Satan tried to get Jesus to give in, and three times the Prince of Peace refused. He stood his ground and thwarted any plans Satan had for him that day.

Let’s be real: we don’t come close to being Jesus. When a beautiful, caring man enters our lives and whispers all those sweet nothings, most of us are all too eager to plan forever with him. When that same handsome man appears to have everything we’re looking for, we may be quick to ignore the fact that he’s missing the most important criteria: a relationship with God. I think it’s fitting to write about this, fellow navigator, because it’s a situation that I have found myself in one time too many.

The story is always the same. We meet, get to know each other, talk about every nonsensical issue under the sun, then eventually make our way to the serious topics. This is the make it or break it moment in determining if the relationship will live or die. In most cases, the feelings of “love” fizzle as we realize we’re not as compatible as we thought. We’re not pursuing God in the same way. We don’t have similar views on family or how children should be raised. We don’t think about marriage and the role each other will play the same. How can a relationship lead to forever when we don’t see eye-to-eye about these vital topics? It can’t. And it doesn’t.

I mentioned David earlier for a reason. Before I say what it is, let me just state that relationships are difficult to navigate. We are deceived by our eyes and mind to think that what we don’t want is what we need and vice versa. Temptation rears its ugly head each and every time we think we are strong in an area. It uncovers our weak spots, takes advantage of us, then leaves us high and dry to pick ourselves back up after we’ve fallen to the ground.

With regard to David, even though he could have had any single woman in the nation, temptation in the form of lust led him to pursue a married woman. He was captivated by Bathsheba’s naked form and, not being where he should have been (fighting with the army), he gave into the temptation. This critical moment caused him to take other actions that would lead to his downfall. (I encourage you to read the story in Matthew 4 to get the full context.)

Temptation rears its ugly head each and every time we think we are strong in an area.

I’m no Bible scholar, but I believe we’re all susceptible, like David, to having weak moments. (After all, we are human!) We see a man we want and go after him with reckless abandon. It’s not until after our hearts have become tied to this person that we discover the skeletons in his closet. He may be married. He might not believe in monogamy. He doesn’t believe in marriage. Or, the one that causes many women strong in the faith to waver, he might not have a relationship with God. Period.

It is temptation that leads us to a place of indecision about what to do next. We weigh pros and cons and try to find ways to make the relationship work. Slowly, after reflecting on all the good feelings we had with this man, some of us decide that life with him is better than life without him. Translation: We choose him over our convictions. Why is this important? Why should we care? Aren’t relationships supposed to be about compromise? Yes, compromise is a key word when it comes to relationships. But, if we must compromise the beliefs that make us who we are, then we are living a lie.

Remember that story in the Bible when Jesus talks about those people who would come and say how they did all those things in his name? What did he say back to them? He said he would tell them to depart from him because he didn’t know them. Yes, they did great things in his name, but their hearts were far from him. Translation: They professed him and did good deeds, but they didn’t really know him. If they knew him, they would have had a relationship with him. If they had had a relationship with him, they would have obeyed his teachings. If they had obeyed his teachings, they would not have entered into relationships with men who didn’t know him because he clearly states that being unequally yoked is not what’s up.

Fellow navigator, relationships do require compromise. However, when compromise comes in the form of ignoring our deal-breakers, we shouldn’t do it. They are called “deal-breakers” for a reason. That good man you want more than anything, the one who makes every other guy before him look like a chump, is not worth disobeying God. I know that not everyone might receive this message; I didn’t write it for everyone. This blog post is one written from a place of vulnerability as a reminder to myself and women like me who have been tempted to give up on faith because they question if another good man will present himself.

What are your thoughts, fellow navigator? Have you ever found yourself in this place? Tell me about it!

Ready or Not: Moving from Place to Place

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“However, I trusted that God would direct my path as I obeyed.”

I left my father’s house when I was 17 to go to college. This was the first time I’d ever been away from my family for an extended period of time. As he packed up the car with most of my worldly possessions and moved me to my dorm at Howard University, I never would have thought that that would be the first of many moves.

The thing about moving is that it takes a toll on you mentally, physically, financially, and socially. The amount of stress involved in preparing for a move is unbelievable. If you’re like me, there’s a ton of planning and preparation that you anticipate before the first box is even sealed.

I was certain Georgia was where I was headed next in life. While I didn’t think I was going to the South, I had a confident assurance that I was being obedient in taking the step of faith. Growing up in the North, I had no idea what to expect. However, I trusted that God would direct my path as I obeyed. The hardest part was knowing that the people I cared for most in this world would not be a short drive away. No. If I wanted to see them, I’d have to get on a plane or drive for 10+ hours. Honestly, this was not a thought that crossed my mind much as I prepared to move, but I think about it often now in my semi-lockdown state.

Assembling and disassembling furniture is one of the worst things about moving. There are days when I really wish the minimalist life was my portion because I’d just live with only the things I could fit in my sedan. Nevertheless, even after downsizing significantly, I find that I still need to get a truck every time I move. Between the heavy lifting, packing and unpacking, and shifting of items to maximize space, I just can’t.

One of the things I wish someone had told me was to make sure I packed the essentials and valuables in my car before everything else. Trust: When you’re waiting weeks for movers to arrive with your teaching supplies because you marked the box of books as “heavy” and had them load it on the truck, you’ll regret it. Nevertheless, once it’s happened one time, the lesson is learned.

“Be prepared for your bank account to take a serious hit when moving out of state..”

Money. Moving is expensive. Let me say it again for the ones in the back. Moving is expensive. I mean, thousands and thousands of dollars. It’s one thing when your company relocates you and covers the cost of your expenses. However, that hasn’t been the case for me in any situation, which means that I’ve had to pay all that money myself. Be prepared for your bank account to take a serious hit when moving out of state. Even if you go the budget-friendly route and opt not to hire a moving company, the small expenses quickly add up. In hindsight, I would’ve coordinated with some friends who enjoy long-distance driving and asked them to move me instead of hiring a company. That way, I could’ve saved a few thousand dollars.

For me, the worst part about moving is the social anxiety caused by being in a new place. We’re creatures of habit. We enjoy going to our favorite local coffee shop, grocery store, and restaurant. As such, we become accustomed to our routine. The same goes for our social lives. We build community with those who live within close proximity of us. It was not unusual for me to pick up the phone or send a text to a friend inviting them over for dinner or a movie. It was nothing to drive a few minutes to the next town and have dinner with some friends after class or work.

When you’re in a new place, you don’t have the luxury of meeting up with others as you please. Everything is unfamiliar and, sometimes, overwhelming. Culture shock kicks in that you are in a foreign land. If you’re like me, you might be open to cautiously exploring your new environment. However, that can be daunting if it’s a completely different place than where you came from. In any case, there will be lonely nights and times when you cry out to return to the familiar. That’s normal. In fact, it happens to the best of us.

Fellow navigator, what has your moving experience been like? Were you readily accepted into your new community? Was your time filled with pain and sorrow? Tell me about it!

See Me: Pushing Past Pain Toward Purpose

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A Life Lived to Uplift the Culture

This past weekend, what was meant to be a momentous occasion filled with celebration was marked by sadness and tears as news spread of Chadwick Boseman’s passing. Though I didn’t personally know the man or have anything in common with him, except the fact that we both attended Howard University (HU!), I wept like he was a brother from another mother. As the tears streamed down my face, thoughts of the impact of this man’s life raced through my mind. While I cannot speak to his character outside of what was captured on film or through the lens of a camera, I mourned the passing of a life that lived out a definite purpose.

Hearing that he had endured years of chemotherapy and pain to deliver films and content that effectively changed Black culture made matters more tragic. It wasn’t because he had kept his illness a secret. No, that was a personal decision that I believe may have been the best for him. Rather, it was because this man pushed past the pain and suffering he endured regularly because he believed the stories of the individuals he portrayed were worth telling. Not only were the characters he played on the screen iconic, but he also brought new life to them that I don’t believe any other actor could have done so exquisitely. He wasn’t just reading lines from a script as Jackie Robinson. I believe he fully immersed himself into the character to give us, the audience, an inside look into what it was really like for the famous baseball player.

As a Howard alum, I know he was more than informed about the historical significance of the characters he played. Let’s be honest: hardly anyone graduates from Howard without knowing more than their fair share about colonialism, white privilege, systemic racism, and the Black Panthers. Yes, it may be a generalization. But it’s one that seems to be proven true every time I speak with non-HBCU graduates about these topics.

Looking at all the films he acted in, I believe Chadwick Boseman was intentional about the roles he selected. Yes, he may have sought to challenge himself for the sake of his art, but it seems apparent that he had something else in mind: purpose. To me, he chose roles that would impact a generation. From Get on Up to Marshall to Da 5 Bloods, Boseman joined fellow actors and actresses to tell stories in a fresh way to a generation that may have never heard of the names or history of the characters. Through film, he educated us, honored those who paved the way for us, and encouraged us to celebrate who we are: young, gifted, and Black.

Then, as if he hadn’t done enough, in Black Panther, he performed the role of a lifetime as King T’Challa. I’ll let you in on a secret, fellow navigator. I saw Black Panther multiple times in theaters, watched it several times on demand, and was even tempted to purchase it for my movie library (this is pending). To say that the movie changed my life would be an inaccurate statement. Instead, the movie reignited a sense of pride I once carried proudly as if it was a badge of honor for being an African woman in America.

There are very few films about the Continent (fictional countries or not) that depict the brilliance, ingenuity, and beauty of Africa and her people. In 2020, we’re still viewed as savages, poor, and uneducated. Those of us who make it out and obtain a world-class education seldom return to apply our knowledge to developing the places we came from. Instead, we work to maintain the privileged lives we’ve come to know; we work to survive in another man’s land. Meanwhile, our homes continue to be stripped, plundered, and pillaged by outsiders of resources only found in our soil.

Outside of his films, I also think about the acts of service Chadwick Boseman performed. It makes sense now why he spent so much time visiting sick children and teens in hospitals. The stories he shared about the young people trying to hold on to life to see Black Panther now carry greater meaning. After news broke that he, too, had been diagnosed with cancer, everything about the way this man chose to spend his time on Earth became clear. Not knowing exactly how much time he had left, he pressed through to pay it forward and give back in ways we can only imagine.

As I reflect on the life and legacy of Chadwick Boseman, I can’t help but thank God for allowing this man to grace us with his presence on this earth for 43 years. Although I, too, think he still had so much to offer, the way he used his time is tremendously appreciated. I believe he fought until the end and lived out a purpose through his art that will (and has) transformed our generation. As far as I’m concerned, I don’t need another Black Panther because that role would never be done justice by any other actor. Chadwick Boseman embodied that character and gave life to it that only he could. He wasn’t just an actor on the stage. No, he was showing us what Black excellence could become if we chose to use our talents and intelligence for progress.

Through film, he educated us, honored those who paved the way for us, and encouraged us to celebrate who we are: young, gifted, and Black.

— Ethleen Sawyerr

There are very few celebrities, total strangers, that I’ve shed tears for upon hearing news of their passing. But Chadwick Boseman did something for Black people that very few actors and actresses have. He was right when he said, “There would be no Black Panther without Denzel Washington,” as he paid tribute to the man who privately paid for Boseman to attend a prestigious acting program in England. Years from now, because of what this man did to educate us through film, I believe voices will rise to say, “There would be no (insert name here) without Chadwick Boseman.”

Fellow navigator, under no circumstances do I believe Chadwick Boseman should be immortalized or treated like a god. However, we must stop to acknowledge those who use their influence and platforms to uplift and empower. I, for one, am grateful God created Chadwick Boseman because his will always be a name I remember. Would you agree? Tell me about it!