Monthly Archives: July 2020

Mental Musings: Receiving Validation After Years of Sacrifice

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It was worth it

Achieving a dream makes the sacrifices seem small.

Entrepreneurship. That single word carries so much meaning that no two people share the exact same experience. While some aspects of the journey are similar, we all go down the path and make decisions that land us in different places.

I wrote some years ago that I became an accidental entrepreneur. It wasn’t something I really planned out. In fact, I was at a proverbial fork in the road and had to choose between pursuing doctoral studies or starting a business. Making it very clear to God the terms I had set, I allowed Him to have the last word. Almost five years ago, I set out on a journey that has forever altered my course.

It’s true what they say that being a business owner requires sacrifice. In all honesty, the ones who succeed at business make it look way too easy. While we see the celebrations and happy moments, there are probably more valley experiences on the journey that can easily discourage any soul longing to be their own boss. Fellow navigator, entrepreneurship is not for the faint of heart. Even though the life seems glamorous, it can easily break the one who doesn’t approach it with a plan.

I share about my journey in Defiant! Redefining Singleness at 30+ because I can’t possibly talk about being a single woman without mentioning what has captured a lot of my attention over the last several years: Speak Write Play. I started the company at the suggestion of a friend almost a year after he whispered the thought in my ear. Like many, I have stories about putting money back into the business before treating myself, eating sandwiches and whatever was cheap and affordable instead of going out to nice restaurants like I used to when I had a corporate job, and wearing just about every hat because I couldn’t afford to pay someone to do what I needed done.

After years of working, learning, and spending a lot of money that could have been used to pamper myself, I can finally say that I have arrived. Please don’t misunderstand. This is not said in an attempt to be braggadocios. Rather, I stand proud because my company is now at a place where I am responsible for the livelihood of others. Granted, no one is full-time yet. However, knowing that there are people who count on income from the work they do for me to keep them going gives me a sense of accomplishment. This is the very place I’ve been trying to get to. Now, regardless of whether Speak Write Play becomes a billion-dollar company or not, I am content.

There are some who may not view this as a huge feat, and that is alright. But I know that I have literally built a company by myself from the ground up. There have been countless sleepless nights, conversations with friends and family about how I wanted to quit and go work for someone, and 60+ hour work weeks. This company literally is my baby, and I feel validated. What brought this on? Why am I writing about my business on a blog about singleness? Because I didn’t understand the gravity of where I stood as a business owner until a conversation with a technical support representative. As the man asked me questions about my website to solve the issues I’d called about, he offered his congratulations on my being able to have people work for me. After hanging up, I kept thinking about what he said. To this random stranger on the phone, I had done it. I had gotten to that place of taking what may have started as a hobby and turning it into a company that has paid workers.

This company literally is my baby, and I feel validated.

— Ethleen Sawyerr

Since it is the fifth Wednesday of the month and this is a “mental musings” post, I wanted to share because I desired to encourage you, fellow navigator, in your pursuits. It sometimes takes a total stranger pointing something out to us to make us pause and take stock of how far we’ve come. But that one seemingly meaningless conversation can carry weight beyond measure.

If you were to take a moment and think about all that you’ve done in your single years while waiting for that man, what are you proud of? How have you found validation in yourself? Tell me about it!

Not I: Afraid of Commitment?

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When you’ve been single for any amount of years and believe you’re ready for a serious relationship, there’s no getting around the topic of commitment. A committed relationship is one in which both parties agree to put in the effort necessary to make the union work. It’s sacrificing precious sleep after a day of only texting just to hear his voice. It’s banging out items on your to-do list so that you can give him your undivided attention. It’s having open, honest conversations with him about your concerns when he says or does things that don’t sit well with you.

“A committed relationship is one in which both parties agree to put in the effort necessary to make the union work.”

If truth be told, I’m the only one who can determine whether I’m ready for a commitment or not. Sure, a therapist or trusted friend can ask thought-provoking questions and give me objective feedback or insight into my responses. However, I must make the final decision to move forward and step out or hang back and continue working on myself. There’s no shame in either decision because, ultimately, I’m the one who will be putting my heart on the line.

Being transparent, I can honestly say that I’m not afraid of commitment. I have no qualms with remaining loyal to one man and forsaking all others. It’s not a problem for me to carve out time in my schedule to make him feel like a priority. There’s no issue with allowing him to see me fail, cry, or lash out in anger about something that hurt me. Staying true to one man and seeing if the relationship can turn into something more has never been an obstacle for me.

No, I’m not afraid of commitment. I fear the hurt and pain that comes with choosing the wrong person. Because I seldom pick my head up from my books or work to give a man my time, dating can be quite challenging. Despite being a good judge of character when it comes to my friends’ boyfriends and love interests, I don’t always make the best choices for myself.

“I have no qualms with remaining loyal to one man and forsaking all others.”

Since I’m not active in the dating scene, I don’t always know the latest lines or schemes men try to pull on women. I see what I believe is a good man and allow him to pursue me until he proves me wrong. While this may not be the best method when it comes to dating, it’s what I know. As a result, my naivete has led to some dead ends.

Now, I’m not out in these streets dating a ton of men. But the ones who have been granted access to my heart, only to break it into pieces, really did a number on me. They’re the dudes who cause a woman to enter into a new relationship with all sorts of walls up, leaving her vigilant of any and all possible red flags the next dating prospect displays. Even if this new man is truly who she desires, she may make him jump through several hoops just to prove he won’t hurt her like the last one she let into her world.

This is all to say that, fellow navigator, we must get to a point where we face our fears of possibly getting hurt or choosing the wrong person before giving another man permission to pursue. If we do so, without becoming whole, the relationship becomes doomed from the start. It is built on a shaky foundation that’s likely to crumble at any moment because we enter into it anticipating that the man will fail us in some way. We desire to give him a chance, but we stand guard for that one moment when his humanity shows that he’s not a perfect creature.

While I can honestly say that I’m not afraid of committing to a man. I can’t honestly say that I’m ready, willing, or able to trust a man with all that is me simply because he makes his interest known. He hasn’t earned my trust. He hasn’t proven that he’s worthy of my devotion. Short of approaching me and expressing his desire for a relationship, he has done nothing to make me believe that he will love me, honor our union, and protect my heart. As a result, I don’t give him all of me. Instead, I sit and watch as he steps up and shows up. I observe his behavior when he’s discouraged, mad, happy, and even depressed. I allow him to get to know me on a deeper level, little by little, until I’m comfortable opening my entire heart to him because he’s shown that he can handle it. That’s what all those frogs from my past have taught me; the real man is easy to spot when you know what you don’t want, need, or deserve.

Fellow navigator, am I alone in this way of thinking? Have you come to the realization that you’re not afraid of commitment but fear choosing the wrong person? What insight have you received about yourself that makes dating just any random man who calls you beautiful hard to do? Tell me about it!

Dear Navigator, I May Be Good for Him, But is He Good for Me?

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This is a question I ask myself often after meeting a man I’d like to get to know better as a romantic interest. I sit and wonder if this man adds as much value to my life as I do to his. Does he support me? Are his words kind? Is he considerate of my feelings? Does he take the time to make me a priority? Quite frankly, I wonder all of this because these are the things I do regularly for him. He may not be my forever yet because we’re still learning each other, but I make it known through my actions that he is held in high regard.

Unfortunately, after kissing a few frogs, I’ve come to learn that not all men enter into serious relationships with the intent of giving it their all. Let’s be real: some just want to see how much they can get and how quickly. These are the ones I like to call “bamas.” This is a term I learned in undergrad that refers to men who aren’t really about anything. They have no problem mooching off a woman because they are narcissists at heart who have zero desire to commit. If it sounds like I’m being too harsh, it’s because I’m keeping it real. Whether we call them “bamas,” “narcissists,” or some other term, one thing remains true: they aren’t good for us.

These guys are sometimes difficult to detect because they hide their intentions well. I’m no expert when it comes to dating and relationships, so I can only speak about my own experiences. If I have to ask myself if I’m too good for him, then I probably am. I am beautiful, smart, kind, and loyal. I give a relationship my all and refuse to look at another man because I wish to stay true to the one I’m with. He’s not perfect, but neither am I. Yet, there’s something in the back of my mind that periodically wonders if I deserve more.

When trying to determine if I’m too good for a man I’m interested in, I almost always look at how he leads in the relationship. Yes, he’s nice to look at and appears to be hardworking. However, if he’s more focused on doing his own thing than building something together, I lose interest. If he never stops to ask me about my affairs, I lose interest. If our arguments and misunderstandings span several days into weeks, I lose days. Finally, if he can go days without communicating with me, I lose interest.

I’ve come to realize that I, like many other women, possess qualities a good man desires in the one he would ultimately wish to settle down with. If truth be told, any man would be blessed to have me as his wife. However, I may not be an ideal match for every good man. There are other things that must be taken into account for the pairing to really be magical.

Nevertheless, I acknowledge that, for my own happiness, I should focus more on what the man brings into the relationship. I’m not talking about his job, wealth, or status. Rather, I ask myself if he brings out the best in me. Does he encourage me? Does he support my endeavors? When I’m down, does he offer a listening ear? If I’m having a bad day, does he comfort me? When I’m ready to give up, does he cheer me on? In as much as I would race to do these things for the man I’m with, I believe that he must be ready, willing, and able to do the same for me. We won’t always get things right, but we must be able to set our own individual agendas aside for the ones we claim to love. Otherwise, I have to stop and wonder if the love is genuine.

We won’t always get things right, but we must be able to set our own individual agendas aside for the ones we claim to love.

The Bible teaches that love is patient, kind, and a host of other things (I Corinthians 13:4-7). As a woman desiring a man who fears God, I’ve come to a place where I want a man who shows his love for me by demonstrating these attributes because I strive to do the same for him. I no longer chase or long for just any man because I know that I need a special kind of man. I want a man who is good for me.

Fellow navigator, I think it’s safe to say that those of us who’ve dated have all had missteps. Whether we rushed to be everything to a man at once or became too serious too quickly, there’s a story to be told. Regardless of the mistakes, there was growth that took place. What have you learned along your journey about what you need in a man? When did you realize you were good for the man you were with, but he wasn’t good for you? Tell me about it!

Ready or Not: Protecting My Mind by Practicing Self-Care

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“When you practice self-care, you allow your mind, body, and soul to reset.”

“Self-care” is a term that’s become quite popular over the last several years to describe the process of allowing oneself to detach from life’s stressors and embrace relaxing activities. In many cases, when I hear what other women do to practice self-care, it typically includes spa days, trips to the mall for retail therapy, spending time outside of the kitchen, and a slew of other events. The idea is to pamper oneself in a way that doesn’t necessarily happen on a regular basis. When you practice self-care, you allow your mind, body, and soul to reset.

I’ve been terrible at practicing this whole self-care thing either because I didn’t have the funds to treat myself or time just wasn’t on my side. Let’s be real: exercising self-care can be expensive. It doesn’t have to be, true. However, if I’m really going to allow myself to indulge, I’d need at least a $100 each time to do anything worthwhile. Especially in these days of coronavirus, I have no desire to shell out that kind of money on a massage, facial, or new outfit just for the sake of it.

Next, self-care requires my time. If I’m going to properly allow myself an escape from the everyday stressors of life, I need at least 4-5 hours to do it right. Who has that kind of time these days? Not me. Going 30 minutes without having to check my phone for a new email, text, or message on social media is challenging as is.

Because no one can run on a full tank 24/7, there must be other ways to practice self-care without breaking the bank. Right? Yes!

I view self-care in regards to the physical and the mental. About a month or so ago, a friend asked for my address under the guise of wanting to update the contact information she had for me. Because this was an odd request, I suspected she was planning on mailing me a card or something. This woman sent me an assorted pack of face masks with a note attached that I should take care of myself. At the time, I needed a reminder to relax and break away from work every once in a while because coronavirus had impacted my business significantly.

You’ll be happy to know that I did heed her words and treated myself to mini-facials. They have been amazing! My skin looks clearer and feels great. I’ve found that I enjoy at-home facials because I can do them on my own schedule and don’t need several hours at a time. I just lie down on my sofa or bed and let them time fade away. My mind isn’t cluttered with thoughts of work, relationships, or responsibilities. For those 30 minutes, it’s just me, myself, and I.

“I view self-care in regards to the physical and the mental.”

The other type of self-care that has really made an impact in my life involves paying more attention to my mental peace. Recently, I stopped working with a client due to a string of conflicts that had arisen. What stood out to me, as I drafted the service termination email, was my reasoning for this decision. I wrote something along the lines of no longer wishing to continue the relationship because it disturbed my mental peace. Wow! Talk about growth. I don’t think I would have cited that as a reason for walking away from a business partnership a few years ago.

Since my last romantic relationship, I’ve spent a healthy amount of time paying careful attention to my mental health. While I am usually quite happy and bubbly, I have had my bouts with moments of feeling like I’m less than. After further introspection, I saw that those times almost always happened because I allowed someone deeper access to me than they should have been trusted with or granted. That’s what happens in relationships, though. People sometimes push the limits of the boundaries we’ve put in place to see how far they can get.

“I saw that those times almost always happened because I allowed someone deeper access to me than they should have been trusted with or granted.”

You may have heard it said before, but I ask that you allow me to say it again: guard your mind. Not every toxic relationship presents itself as such in the beginning. However, when you begin to lose who you are because of someone, it might be best to reconsider the role that person plays in your life. I can honestly say that I have not given the individual I referenced earlier a second thought since sending that service termination email. I no longer clinch my jaw when their name pops up on my phone out of fear of what the text or call is about. If I’m spending so much negative mental energy on someone, I think it’s safe to say that I need to reorganize my priorities.

Fellow navigator, self-care is not just about pampering what’s on the outside. It’s also about ensuring that our minds and spirits are in a good place. As someone who is known (good or bad) for being busy and a workaholic (by some), I’ve come to recognize that I must ensure I have peace in all aspects of my life. No, I may not be able to afford a spa day once or twice a month. But I can spend a few hours with myself to look at my life and see where there’s room for positive, meaningful improvement. I can take stock of potentially toxic relationships, or ones that produce more stress than peace, to assess if there’s hope for positive growth or not.

Joyce Meyer wrote Battlefield of the Mind years ago, but I believe there’s a reason why she had an entire book devoted to this subject. The Bible talks about us guarding our hearts (Proverbs 4:23) and later says that God’s peace will guard our hearts and minds (Philippians 4:7). These two actions must be important, right? Fellow navigator, what do you do to practice self-care? How are you maintaining your mental peace? Tell me about it!

See Me: Defiantly Single (pt. 2)

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Can I be brutally honest for a minute?

If you ask me why I’m defiantly single, I’d say it’s because I fear choosing the wrong partner. Yes, I believe in God. Of course, I trust that He will confirm the man He desires me to be with in more than one way. Yes, I have a community of trusted people who will step in if they believe the man I want isn’t deserving of me. While I recognize that all of these safeguards are in place, there’s a part of me that thinks it’s still not enough.

Let’s be real. How many times have we heard of stories where a God-fearing woman married a God-fearing man and ended up dead or in jail because that man was a wolf? For those who don’t understand the reference, Matthew 7:15 talks about false prophets appearing as wolves in sheep’s clothing. Don’t get me wrong, men aren’t the only perpetrators. There are women who fake it, too. The point is that people may pretend to be charming, humble, and just about everything we desire in a spouse—that is, until after the wedding day.

I don’t mean to be a cynic. Because I believe marriage is a beautiful thing, I want to trust that mine will be all I’ve ever hoped for and more. But I have come to terms with my reality that I’ve made poor choices in the past. My sister (in Christ) will tell you that, after years of listening to my “boy stories,” I’m drawn to fixer-uppers. That is, the men with potential who don’t seem to be doing much with themselves. Looking past the physical, I pay more attention to the possibility of what a man can become (with the right woman by his side). I egg him on when he talks about his lofty dreams, even though he doesn’t take any steps toward accomplishing them. I support him when he makes otherwise reckless decisions, although I don’t agree with them. I praise him when he excels in one unrelated area, despite making no progress in the things that get him closer to reaching his goals.

When I think about it, I have been just as complicit in the failure of these past relationships because I ignored the obvious warning signs and chose to believe my own narrative, not what was in front of my face all along. Why? I don’t know. I wasn’t blinded by love—not even close. It’s not that I didn’t know my worth. I think I just got too caught up to want to do anything about it—but that’s a different post.

I thank God for my sister being truthful and telling me about myself because she saved me a lot of wasted hours, days, weeks, and months remaining with someone who didn’t deserve me. I wish more of us would do that for those we love. Yes, the person may get angry and not speak to us for a little while. But, I believe, they will eventually realize the error of their ways to see that we acted out of love.

Ok, back to the issue at hand. I stated in a previous post that I don’t believe my generation views marriage through the same lens as those who came before. Somehow, we’ve accepted the notion that a lifelong commitment is not something worth entering into with anyone. For me, thinking about being with someone for the rest of my life sounds lovely, but it’s also really scary if that man wakes up and decides he’s going to become someone completely different. That’s one of the reasons I don’t believe in putting up a front in the getting-to-know-each-other phase. I want my potential suitor to see the good, bad, and crazy from the get-go. That also sounds like it might be a future blog post.

But I have come to terms with my reality that I’ve made poor choices in the past.

— Ethleen Sawyerr

Although I’m afraid of picking the wrong person to spend the rest of my life with, fellow navigator, I still welcome the thought of marriage with open arms. I trust that my parents have raised me well enough to know what I should and shouldn’t accept. I believe I’ve seen enough couples succeed at married life, despite the obstacles that were in their way. I rest assured that God speaks to me in ways others may not understand, so He will prevent me from choosing a spouse who will not honor Him. I am confident in the fact that my intuition is almost always on point (when I listen to it) and will go off like a bullhorn if I’m about to make a mistake.

Fellow navigator, there’s an amount of risk involved in getting married. It requires a level of vulnerability and trust that you’ve chosen someone who will love, honor, and cherish you until death. That’s heavy. Be honest, are you like me? Do you choose to remain defiantly single because the thought of possibly picking the wrong person troubles you? Tell me about it!