Not I: Man Hater?

One thing I’ve never understood is why people make the assumption that a woman who chooses to live her best single life hates men. Let’s get something straight: I am not a man hater. Men are great! They provide emotional stability and rational thinking when my hormones go crazy. They offer a different perspective concerning situations that I never in a million years would have considered. For these reasons (and more), I value the role of men in my life.

Just because I make the conscious decision not to enter into a relationship doesn’t mean I’m a man hater. I hate when people make this assumption because they peg me as someone I’m not. My choice to remain single doesn’t stem from a dislike of men; it’s because I don’t want to repeat past mistakes.

It happens…

Speaking to both sides of the divide, I think there needs to be some understanding. We never know another person’s story when it comes to relationships and past experiences. To assume I hate men because I’m not ready to walk down the aisle is a faux pas. I could have been abused, manipulated, or mistreated in other ways by a man. Believe me, the hurt and pain that that suffering awakens takes time to get over.

“Let’s get something straight: I am not a man hater.”

To the men, I ask you to be patient and kind. A woman with her guard up probably has stories upon stories to tell of when she allowed someone in and had her trust broken. I wish I could tell men that their willingness to walk alongside a woman through her pain and mess would do far more good than simply getting frustrated and giving up the chase.

To the women, I would tell you that not all men are the same. After coming out of a bad relationship, we often question our own judgment, find ourselves in the same predicament with a man who’s just as bad because we believe that’s the best we can do, or swear off men altogether. While it’s easy to remain guarded and expect a man to fight to show he really wants us, I’d say that path leads to even more pain. We can’t put everything on a man. Our healing doesn’t come from any one human being; it comes from God.

“Believe me, the hurt and pain that that suffering awakens takes time to get over.”

Before getting involved in a new relationship, I am a firm advocate of us taking time for serious introspection to learn about ourselves. Ask yourself some vital questions that will bring much clarity and allow you to honestly get to know yourself.

  • What about this man made him so attracted to you?
  • When were you happiest in the relationship?
  • What aspects of his character gave you cause to pause?
  • How many times did he offer genuine support?
  • How often did his words pierce you?
  • After the first incident, why didn’t you walk away?
  • Who did you go to for counsel about this man?
  • Was that confidant in a position to give you healthy relationship advice?
  • At any point, did you ever pray and ask God if He was pleased with the union?
  • Did you witness the fruit of this man’s relationship with God before dating?
  • How did you view your worth before dating this man?
  • How did you view your worth after the relationship ended?

That was a lot! Introspection is not a one-size-fits-all process. We all take in and analyze information differently. I think there’s great truth when they say we date the same men with different names. All I’m offering, fellow navigator, are some great starters to get you to begin noticing your patterns.

“Our healing doesn’t come from any one human being; it comes from God.”

Because of our environments growing up, family dynamics, and other factors, I believe we continue vicious cycles when we choose to go it alone. The beauty of our faith in God is that He never leaves us. Even when those around us fail to come through, our Father in heaven is always there.

Always.

Fellow navigator, don’t allow past hurts to keep you from future promises. We’re not men haters. We’re not bound by the pain of people who used and abused us. We are strong, brilliant, caring women who have much to offer the world. We grow from our less-than-stellar situations and move one step closer to being who God created us to be.

Have you ever been accused of being a man hater because of the stance you’ve taken when it comes to dating relationships? What have you learned about yourself regarding romantic relationships? I’d love to hear your story!

Dear Navigator, Can I Write My Own Love Story?

I secretly wish we were able to create the situations and circumstances surrounding when, where, and how we meet “the one.” I mean, after 30 years of being with myself, I have a pretty good idea of what I want and need in a significant other. Right? Probably not.

I think it’s safe to say that I’ve learned to identify the personalities that don’t mesh with mine. It’s true that some people just won’t ever get along, no matter how hard each party tries. Why? Because there are things about us that will never change.

With me, I know that I can only go so many days without working or doing something productive. My father recently reminded me of this during one of our conversations. Apparently, I had been complaining about how tired and inundated with work I was not too long ago. Now, with countries around the world combating the spread of coronavirus, my work has reduced significantly. As such, I have unexpectedly received much needed time to relax and recuperate.

Now, most people would probably welcome the break with arms wide open, right? Right! Not me. I mean, I spent the first 2-3 days in my home enjoying my own company and doing absolutely nothing. However, it’s now day six; I’m sick of not working.

When you love what you do…

What was the point of that tangent? Simply to say that, no matter how hard I try to change certain aspects of my character and personality, I know who I am and the things about myself that remain the same. With that, as much as I’d love to write my own love story, I really don’t have a firm handle on love and relationships to be able to do it well.

If things were left up to me, I would meet my future spouse while travelling abroad somewhere. I’d be carrying on with my schedule for that day, going from one client appointment to another. In a brief moment of providence, he’d see me walking briskly through the crowd and everything in his world would stop. By happenstance, he’d find out that we had some mutual acquaintances in the city and ask them to introduce us. When we met for the first time, I wouldn’t be particularly impressed and wouldn’t want to know him as anything more than a friend. After some time getting to know each other, he’d finally take the plunge and divulge his true feelings. (Naturally, by this time, I would’ve already developed feelings for him.) From that moment on, our relationship would shift to being more intentional to see if we are God’s best for each other.

Nothing but laughs

Alas, this is but a dream. Back to reality, I continue living my life. I don’t spend much time fanatisizing about this mystery man and how we’ll meet. No, thoughts of him only awaken in moments when I need to remind myself that he is out there somewhere waiting for me. Although I long to be a wife and mother, I don’t know if I’d want to write my love story. There’s beauty in the mystery of not knowing how things will unfold.

What if he and I have already met? What if we totally missed each other years ago because neither of us were ready? What if the next time we meet there’ll be fireworks, a string orchestra, and the works? I like not knowing because I’m not living for a particular moment or waiting for a specific sign.

Facts.

Fellow Navigator, there is great temptation in wanting to write your love story and know exactly when the love of your life is going to show up. Is this something you struggle with? Do you find yourself anxiously wanting to know when it’s going to happen? Tell me about it!

Ready or Not: Money Management Matters – Exercising Caution

Debt. The four-letter word that seems to have many of us bound in a never-ending cycle of monthly payments and interest accumulation. You may find yourself in debt because you needed to pay for one (or multiple) college degrees or certification programs to obtain a more lucrative financial and career opportunity. Another possibility is that debt came crashing at your door when your car suddenly broke down, a loved one without health insurance unexpectedly fell ill, or credit cards became your best friends because overnight your expenses were more than the money you were bringing home.

Whatever the reason, fellow navigator, I’m sure you can relate to the overwhelming feeling of being in debt. While this is a situation a host of us may find ourselves in, we don’t have to stay in that place. There are a plethora of debt management programs and financial advising companies out there that can assist in sorting out money issues. Fellow navigator, wisdom says to exercise a great amount of caution before using one of these programs or services. When it comes to money management, a company or individual’s credibility and reputation should be vetted and held in the highest regard. If you have even a slight suspicion that the business or representative is not being completely forthright about products, services, or processes, you have every right to walk away.

Something’s not right here

It seems this is something we don’t talk about enough, so I’m going to bring it up here. There are a lot of scammers out there; people have no problem taking your money because you failed to do your due diligence. What does “due diligence” look like? It’s verifying the company or individual’s information through various means. No, due diligence is not just making sure the Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram pages are up and running. No, it is not only about going to the website and seeing how visually appealing it is. Due diligence involves reading customer reviews across multiple platforms. The business may have reviews on the company website, but you take it a step further to see if there are reviews or comments about services on their social media pages as well. Platforms like Google, Yelp, and the Better Business Bureau (BBB) also allow you to read what others have to say about their experience with a company.

After you’ve found the review pages, what should you do? Read what others have to say. If I see a company with mostly five stars, I almost always immediately bypass the high reviews to read the one and two-star ratings. Check to see if there’s a common theme regarding the justification for others giving such low reviews. If nearly every one or two-star rating has to do with the company’s employees providing poor customer service, that is something you should not take lightly. A financial advising company is run by people telling you how best to manage your money. If those individuals are unable to deliver good customer service, I’d think twice about allowing them anywhere near my money.

Taking my money anywhere but here

Due diligence also involves finding out about the company’s specific products, services, and processes, then comparing them to their competitors. I don’t think we do this enough. Maybe it requires more time than we’re willing to put in? Whatever the reason, we must do better in this area. Money management companies are vying for your business. Some offer better packages than others because they understand that they have to make themselves stand out in order to make you their customer. It is your right to tell one company that you want to shop around to see if you can find value elsewhere.

Now, finding value is not always about getting the lowest quote. (Remember, you get what you pay for.) If three out of four businesses charge roughly $1,000 for a service and you find one that only costs $400, don’t do it. That $600 discrepancy could be due to a lack of experience, expertise, or just flat-out incompetence. We don’t always have to learn the hard way (by having our hard-earned money stolen from us) that being able to research market value for a service or product is an asset. If you don’t have the funds to pay the going rate, it may be best to wait and minimize the chances of being cheated.

Too many times we, as women, are scammed and conned by people when it comes to money management matters because our ignorance gets the best of us. Ignorance is not about our intellectual level; it’s about information we don’t know. At the end of the day, information is the best commodity. The most effective way for us to become more financially savvy is by educating ourselves about these debt management companies before spending a dime.

Did you like the post? Is money management something you want to discuss further? Let’s keep the conversation going! What have you learned by practicing due diligence? Leave your comments below!

See Me: A Terrible Case of Insecurity

Insecurity is like a plague

It takes a woman who is truly self-aware to admit to having bouts of insecurity every once in a while. You know who she is. You see her all the time. She walks around with her head held high; she isn’t afraid to speak her mind. When she enters a room, all eyes shift to her because she commands attention everywhere she goes. Everyone wants to know her opinion because they value her contribution. Based on what you see, this woman has it all together. She’s a boss babe who slays at everything she does. Not only are her outfits and hair are always on point, but she’s poised and articulate.

Get it, girl!

By all accounts, she is who every woman aspires to be in life. Yet, she carries a secret that, if exposed, would make her appear just as real as the rest of us. This woman, the one we idolize and want to emulate, has moments where her mental health crumbles. Out of nowhere, after weeks and months of living her best life, a word or comment causes her to spiral into a state of insecurity. She suddenly begins to grow silent and secludes herself into a corner. When asked for her opinion, she stumbles over finding the right words. Something about her is off; she’s not who you’re used to seeing. She calls everything into question because she wonders if any of it was ever real.

It takes a woman who is truly self-aware to admit to having bouts of insecurity every once in a while.

— Ethleen Sawyerr

Insecurity is that annoying whisper that you’re not good enough. It’s the loud voice blaring words of self-doubt and disappointment. Insecurity can break even the toughest woman and make her feel like she is not enough. Its impact can be so strong that is causes her to throw her hands up in the air and give up on everything she’s ever worked for. She dare not speak to anyone about her thoughts of insecurity – how she questions almost every decision she makes – because then the world will know that she’s not who she presents herself to be.

When lies are louder than the truth

Although this woman doesn’t exist, there are pieces of her in all of us. I see myself in her when I step back or hide my brilliance and talents to appear less threatening. For as long as I can remember, I’ve always been told that I’m intimating. This notion had absolutely nothing to do with me; rather, it had everything to do with how that individual viewed herself compared to me. While I never asked this person to try to be like me, she felt the need to do this. At the end of the day, she revealed her own insecurities when she disclosed her disdain for me. Little did she know that projecting her insecurities onto me led me down my own rabbit hole of lies and untruths.

The thing about insecurity is that it can go both ways. Oftentimes, the one who feels insecure switches up her behavior so suddenly or severely that it’s quite obvious to others (including the one who unknowingly caused the offense). Eventually, that individual becomes uncomfortable and exhibits her own form of insecurity. The cycle will continue until we put an end to it.

It ends today

Fellow navigator, are you guilty of projecting your insecurities onto another? If you could go back, how would you handle the situation differently? Leave a comment below!

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